There Goes My Life
by catholicorprotestant
Summary: Antonio is a 26 year old gourmet chef, a bachelor who's all party. Lovino is a 20 y/o premed student who only has one goal, to be become a doctor. He is determined to let his feelings for the Spaniard fade away, but after receiving devastating news, a drunken one night stand leads to the end of life as Lovino knows it. Human lf ntal disorders.M!preg. Pt 1 of Unexpected
1. Chapter 1

_**There will be mpreg and mentions of self harm and mental disorders. It will be part of the Unexpected series. There will be a Fruk installation as well as a GerIta. The spamano will have 2 parts. I promise spamano part 2 is going to be happy and cute as hell to make up for how dark, sad and angsty this part 1 is going to be. This story's already written for the most part, so expect updates probably Sundays and Wednesdays. The fruk is being published on Tumblr, but I'm waiting to publish it here. Anyway, enjoy!**_

_**Note: When the Vargas family is talking with each other with no one around, they're speaking Italian.**_

Lovino sat on the floor studying for his biochemistry exam when he heard loud voices outside of the apartment door and the key in the lock. His roommate Matthew strolled in with a kind smile, followed by his brother, Alfred, and his friend from work, Antonio. Lovino's breath caught. Antonio looked so good in his black pants and button down shirt, sleeves folded up to his elbows. It accented his tanned skin well. Antonio smiled and winked at Lovino who blushed and narrowed his eyes at the man. Antonio's green eyes sparkled in amusement.

"Hey, Lovi, I hope you don't mind I brought guests over." Matthew stopped and gave a sympathetic look when he saw the books strewn around the living room coffee table. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were studying. Do you need us to leave?" Lovino shrugged and stared back at his books. He wasn't going to kick Matthew out of his own apartment.

"It's up to you. I don't mind. They better not act stupid." He eyed the other two men. Matthew laughed.

"Sorry, Lovino, but that's all these two do."

"Hey!" Alfred protested smacking Matt's arm. Matt rubbed it and glared at him.

"Sorry, kiddo," Antonio said licking his lips, with that stupid crooked smile that always made Lovino's heart race.

"I'm not a kid!" Lovino spat, turning red as he glared down at his books. "Can you just shut up and not be a bastard just this once?"

"No can dosville, baby doll." Antonio smirked. Alfred made kissing noises at Antonio who laughed and kissed Alfred's cheek.

"Dude, not cool!"

Lovino rolled his eyes and went back to studying. He knew he should leave the room, but Antonio was talking to Matt and Alfred, and Lovino loved the sound of the Spaniard's voice. It was smooth and cheerful, with laughter hanging on every word. His slight Spanish accent caused his words to be almost musical. The man often used Spanish words that reminded Lovino of his native tongue of Italian from the similarities. It also gave the Spaniard a certain appeal.

Lovino caught his wandering mind and forced a scowl. God, his voice was annoying! He always sounded so cheerful. What was up with that? How could be that happy all the time? His accent was so stupid and annoying. And he threw Spanish around. Who does that? No, Antonio was so infuriating.

"Will you shut up?" Lovino glared. Antonio winked at him, eliciting another flush of the Italian's face. Lovino let out a shuddering breath.

"Please make me, mi amor," Antonio smiled crookedly at him, his eyes filled with passion and amusement. Lovino once again couldn't breathe.

"I know what that means. Shut the fuck up!" Lovino glared.

"Just one little kiss?" Antonio wiggled his eyebrows. Lovino stared at the man's lips. He wanted to press his against them so badly, but he couldn't. That was wrong. Why did he feel this way about Antonio? Guys didn't like other guys. It was wrong, unnatural.

"Shut up." Lovino managed to choke out.

"Antonio, he has a big test tomorrow. Let's go out instead," Matthew suggested.

"Ah come on, Mattie, I was just playing with him," Matthew sighed and gave in. Lovino glared at his books. Of course Matthew backed down.

Lovino gathered his things and announced he'd be in his room and they better keep quiet. He sat at his desk and sighed. He could barely hear anything now. He opened his books and went back to studying. He had to do well on this test. It was vital to get all A's to get into medical school. After reviewing nine of the ten chapters he was being tested on when he just couldn't take the noise outside his room steadily getting louder. He couldn't deal with this. Not right now. He stood up angrily and stormed to the living room where the three men were sitting. He had just opened his mouth to speak when Antonio stood up and cut him off slyly.

"Lovino, do you want to get a drink?" Antonio smiled up at him from the couch. He opened and closed his mouth several times. Antonio was asking him out! Lovino couldn't breathe, couldn't speak. He felt his face grow hot and mentally cursed himself for being so transparent sometimes. Alfred laughed.

"Oh my god, can you two please just get together already? It's starting to piss me off to be around all this sexual tension!"

Lovino glared at them. They were all so stupid. This had been going on for the past six months and quite frankly, Lovino was getting tired of it. He was not supposed to like boys. Besides if he wanted to be a doctor in six years, he needed to stay focused on school. He could not allow a distraction such as a relationship. He was already feeling stressed by talking to his brother daily. Lovino gave a final glare before going to the kitchen to make food. He needed to calm down before he got any more studying done. He made a cup of coffee before wondering what to have for dinner. He decided to make chicken parmesan and hummed to himself while he cooked. Cooking had always relaxed him.

"You're doing that wrong, Lovinito." Antonio's hot breath against his ear caused the younger man to shiver. He was froze. Antonio's hand wrapped around his hand holding the spoon that Lovino was cooking the sauce in. Antonio led the Lovino's hand in quick, small circles before reaching over with his other hand and dipping it into the sauce. He sucked on his fingers dramatically making a show before Lovino, who was holding his breath. "Muy delicioso, cariño." Antonio slid a hand up the boy's shirt and suddenly Lovino snapped out of it.

"What do you mean I am doing it wrong, you asshole? I am fucking Italian! It's in my damn blood to be able fucking cook! This is a family recipe, I'll have you know! And I…" Antonio pulled the boy to him by the hips. Lovino dropped the spoon, his face burning.

"You what?" He asked softly, winking. Lovino pushed him away.

"Get the fuck off me! You think because you work in a fancy restaurant you know how to cook? Fuck that! You are shitty cook and it's disgusting that you pass of that supposed food as tasteful!" the Italian snapped. Lovino couldn't be around him anymore. He backed up a few steps, still glaring for emphasis.

"Fucking bastard," he muttered before storming to his room. Lovino slammed the door and leaned against it gasping for breath and sliding down. He ran a hand through his hair and let out a shuddering breath. Why did he feel sparks anywhere that that man had touched? Why could be not breathe around him? It was beyond confusing. Lovino shook his head. No. He had a test for tomorrow. He couldn't do this now. He rose to his feet and walked back to his desk rubbing his face before getting back to studying.

He jumped at a knock on his door tore his mind away from the material. He sighed and walked over and ripped the door open. "What the hell…" He froze once more. Antonio smiled at him.

"Hola. You forgot your coffee on the counter. It was getting cold. Also you didn't finish your dinner, so I took the liberty of finishing it and brought it to you." Lovino just stared at him trying to control his breathing. Antonio giggled. "You're so cute, Lovino."

Lovino glared at him. "Fuck you. I'm not fucking cute, dammit. I'm twenty years old. Give me that." He took the coffee and food from the man angrily. "It will probably taste like shit since you made it, but I'm fucking starving so I'll risk my taste buds." He slammed the door with his foot and walked over the desk a small smile danced on his lips.

Antonio had brought him food and coffee! Antonio had thought enough of him to make sure he was eating! He shook the thoughts from his head. No, Antonio did it because he wanted to laugh at him. He was so obvious that everyone knew it. A tear slipped down Lovino's cheek. He was hungry, tired, humiliated, stressed and desperately wanted those lips against his and those arms holding him close.

He sighed and took a bite of his food. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back having to physically restrain himself from moaning at how good it was. He had never had chicken parmesan that was this good before. He ate it slowly savoring every bite and thinking about how he would not mind having Antonio's cooking for the rest of his life. His phone buzzed on the desk. He smiled seeing that it was his little brother.

"Pronto."

"Ciao, fratello!"

"Ciao." Lovino leaned back, eyes closed. "How are you feeling?"

"Still not good." His brother's voice sounded so tired and exhausted.

Lovino chewed his lip. Feliciano had been sick for the past month and a half with what their father thought was just a flu or cold, possibly mono. He couldn't afford to take the boy to the doctor, but recently things seemed to be worse causing Roma to take his youngest to get check out. It worried Lovino. "I'm just so tired, Lovi. I slept all weekend and only woke up for food and using the bathroom and I feel so exhausted. My body just hurts and I want it to stop." Lovino sat forward recognizing that his brother was starting to cry. "Lovi?"

"Si?"

"Lovi, how long are you supposed to have bruises?"

"I…I'm not sure. Not long. Why?"

"I knocked into chair because I was really tired and just felt kind of weak and that was like a month ago and I still have this really big bruise and it hurts a lot. I actually am getting a lot of bruises and I don't know why. I'm really scared, Lovino. This isn't normal sick. I've never been this sick." Lovino felt nervous. He stood up and started pacing.

"Feli?"

"Huh?"

"Let me talk to Papa."

"But Lovino, I want to talk to you." Feli whined. Lovino hugged himself with his free arm.

"I'll talk to you in a minute. It will be really fast. I promise," Lovino said softly.

"Promise?" Feli's voice was shaky, almost desperate.

"I just fucking said I promise," Lovino sighed, rubbing his eyes.

"Don't be mean, Lovi!" the boy whimpered.

"I'm not…okay. I'm sorry."

"It's okay!" The sound of his brother's cheerful voice muddled by the exhaustion gave him a bit of reassurance. Whatever this was, Feli had a great attitude and that was half the battle, wasn't it?

"Ciao!"

"Ciao, Papa." Lovino bit at a callous on this thumb. "Papa…how'd the appointment go?" He knew better than to ask his brother. Feli, sixteen, didn't really pay attention to what was said in any medical setting. He was scared of doctors and dentists, so he often let his mind wander. Lovino waited as he assumed his father was going outside of ear shot of Feli.

"They…It doesn't look good, Lovino," Roma sounded tired. "Oh god, if anything happened to either one of you…" the man's voice broke.

"Papa, it's okay. What did they say?" Lovino had been shadowing doctors during his first two years of college, so he felt somewhat familiar when it came to this kind of thing.

"They took some blood…a lot of blood. He needs more tests. They want to do a bone biopsy in the morning. They'll have the results soon. They're not saying what they think it is. God, Lovino, what do you think?"

Ever since Lovino started college, his father and Feli both used him as their own personal doctor which both flattered and annoyed the boy as he didn't know and he wasn't a doctor.

"Just be patient. I'm sure they'll come to a conclusion and he'll be fine," Lovino tried to reassure his father. "Please just keep me updated."

"I will. Lovino, I don't know what to do. He's been unable to go to school and I don't know…" Roma took a shuddering breath. "Lovi…I am so proud of you, do you hear me? You make me so proud. You got that full ride and you're in your third year of undergrad. You'll be a doctor in no time." Lovino smiled and looked at the ground. "I can't wait until that day when I can see you up there in your white coat after everything. You can make things like this make sense."

"Papa…"

"No, don't say anything. I love you so much, Lovino. You have no idea how much I love you. I am so blessed to have you and Feliciano."

Lovino was unnerved by his father's sudden outburst of feelings. He never spoke like this. He must be worried. Lovino felt his heart pounding in his chest.

"I love you too," Lovino whispered.

Roma gave the phone back to Feli without warning. Lovino talked to his little brother for the next hour. The two were truly the other's best friend. Lovino going to school so far away made things difficult, but the boys managed to stay in contact. Lovino laughed and smiled throughout the conversation as Feliciano told him about all the funny things he had seen on TV that day since had to stay home from school. He talked to him about not being able to pay attention in class because he was so tired and almost passing out in gym. Lovino listened offering advice and comments when needed, but Feliciano was able to take up the majority of the conversation. It seemed too soon when Feliciano was too tired to talk and they bid each other good night. Lovino lay on his bed holding his phone against his chest. Feli had to be okay.

"Lovino, you have to come with us!" Alfred insisted as he burst into Lovino's room.

"What the fuck?" Lovino sat up and listened to Alfred tell him a crazy idea about going to clubs to see who could get the most phone numbers. Lovino rolled his eyes and noticed Antonio leaning in the doorway in a carefree manner as he smirked at Lovino and winked at him. Lovino focused his eyes on Alfred.

"That sounds like a stupid idea. Beside, idiota, I have an exam tomorrow."

"You're not studying, dude." Lovino glared at him.

"How are you and Matt even in grad school? You never study! You just run around with your perverted old coworker."

"Just one minute, I am not old!" Antonio stood up. "I am twenty-six."

"Whatever," Lovino muttered looked away.

"I bet you only want one phone number anyway, don't you?" Lovino skin burned. "Here."

He glanced over to see Antonio now inches from his face with that stupid smile and annoying eyes. Lovino couldn't help but breathe the man in. Antonio smelled good, like some sort of cologne. Antonio was holding a card to the boy between if two forefingers. "For you, mi amor."

Lovino pulled himself together taking the card and ripping it apart before throwing it in Antonio's face.

"Leave me alone, both of you. I'm going to shower and go to sleep."

He pushed past both of them and left the room to shower before curling up in bed. The last thing to enter his thoughts was Antonio's smiling face. "Bastard," he muttered before escaping into his dreams.

**_Well there you have it. I hope you liked it. Please leave a review whether you did or not to let me know know what to revise since most of it is written._**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Big thanks to my awesome friend mystrothedefender for editing this for me.**_

_**This song is what I named this fic after. I mean to link it in the first chapter. It pretty much explains Lovino in this fic. **_

_**/watch?v=JBf7uh8jYfw**_

* * *

><p>Lovino was typing up a paper for his literature course when the notification that his test score was in popped up in the lower right hand corner of his screen. He crossed himself out of an old habit before closing his eyes and praying that he did well as he clicked on it, holding his breath. He almost squealed with happiness when he saw he had received an almost perfect score. He couldn't wait to tell Feli. His brother was one of his biggest supporters and always was happy to hear good news.<p>

Lovino almost skipped to the kitchen to grab some food before calling Feli. He danced around happily as he heated up leftover pasta and poured a cup of water before scarfing it down. Nothing could kill his mood. And to top it off, Matthew was out so he had the whole apartment to himself. He hummed to himself as he walked over to lie on the couch and dialed home. Feliciano answered.

"Pronto…"

Lovino was so excited, he didn't even register that his brother had sobbed the answer.

"Feli, you'll never believe it! I almost go a perfect score on my exam! I was so worried. Biochemistry is supposed to be so fucking hard, and I aced it!"

"That..That's great," Feliciano whimpered. Lovino had never heard his brother sound so upset. He sat up, his heart racing.

"What is it, Feli?" his voice softer, filled with concern.

"I…Well…Um…" the boy's voice broke.

Lovino panicked as his brother burst into sobs on the other end of the line. Tears welled in his eyes. He hugged his knees to his chest, preparing himself for the worst.

"Feli…" Lovino's voice desperate and pleading.

"I got my results back and…well all the tests say the same thing. I'm really, really, really sick."

"What…what is it?" Lovino's mouth was dry. He brushed back in hair in desperation to know what was wrong.

"I have leukemia, AML. It's stage three." Feli broke into sobs. "I don't want to die, Lovino! I'm so scared and I can't…How is Papa going to afford it? We barely have enough as it is."

Lovino swallowed. "We'll work something out. We always do. Don't worry about money, okay? Just focus on getting better." Lovino was impressed at how well he was able to keep himself together. His body was trembling, threatening to shatter. He spent the next thirty minutes listening as Feliciano explained to him when he started treatment and what they had told him to expect. He was scheduled for mediport surgery in a week and his first round of chemo in two. Lovino's heart ached knowing that the only reason he was able to remember everything was because Feliciano was scared out of his mind. When Feli got too tired to talk, Lovino spent a while speaking to his father.

When they finally hung up, Lovino was left with his thoughts and fears. The silence seemed deafening. Feli couldn't be sick. He knew his little brother was scared and he just wanted desperately to go home and hug him and talk to him. The only problem was that he couldn't leave. He couldn't miss classes. If he missed classes, he risked failing and failure would mean no med school which meant that he could never help his family. He pictured a hairless Feli sick, lying in a hospital bed with tubes everywhere. The thought sent pain through him and he a sob escaped his mouth. He gave in to them as they wracked his body. He cursed himself for insisting on moving for school. He should have stayed at home. He shouldn't have moved almost an hour away. He had to leave now, he had–

A knock caused him to freeze. Who could that be? He glared at the door and willed the person to leave. It wasn't Matthew, so it wasn't important. He laid against the couch hyperventilating. Again a knock. He continued to ignore it until the voice behind it said, "I know you're home!" Lovino sighed and stood up brushing the tears off his face ready to scream at whatever asshole was at the door.

"¡Hola! I knew you were home!" Antonio smiled before seeing the tears on Lovino's face.

"Matt's not home. Go find someone else to annoy." He went to slam the door in the man's face only to have it stopped. Antonio's face was full of concern. He took the younger man's face in his hands.

"What's wrong?"

"Fuck you! Leave me alone." Lovino slapped his hands away, trying his best to give a stern glare.

"I don't think you should be alone. When is Matt getting home?"

"I don't…I don't know," Lovino whispered through his tears. Antonio stood waiting for him to say something more. When he said nothing, Antonio pulled him into a tight hug. Lovino didn't even try to pull away. He melted into Antonio and sobbed into his chest.

"May I come in?" Antonio asked when Lovino had stopped crying. Lovino nodded and led the man inside. Antonio sat down on the couch and stared at the youth. "Come here," he said sweetly. Lovino hesitated, contemplating. The idea of Antonio comforting him seemed so inviting, but he couldn't give in. His father had warned him about these kinds of feelings. What could it hurt? Lovino sat down next to Antonio.

"My little brother has cancer," Lovino almost whispered. "He's the best fucking friend I have and he's got cancer. He's the only person I can talk to."

"I'm so sorry. I'm sure he'll be okay," Antonio gasped, his green eyes wide. His brow wrinkled as he stared at Lovino, empathy written over his features.

"How? How can you be so sure?" Lovino blinked back the tears.

"I just have these intuitions. So how's about we drink some wine to calm your nerves and you can tell me everything." The Spaniard seemed to have snapped out of his initial shock since his voice was cheerful and less horrified. Lovino agreed and the two passed the bottle back and forth as Lovino spilled his guts out to Antonio. Soon Antonio had the idea to take shots of pinnacle since he loved it and Lovino had never tried it.

Lovino watched as Antonio poured his shot back. He couldn't help, but think of how beautiful Antonio was. Antonio would make his chaotic, rough road of life seem worth it, after all Antonio never seemed to having anything hard in life. A bit of the pinnacle on Antonio's lips shimmered in the light. Lovino sat on his knees and took Antonio's face in his. "You spilled some alcohol. The rules say lick it," and with a shy giggle into Antonio's shoulder, Lovino pressed his lips to Antonio's awkwardly causing their noses to hit. "Shit!" Lovino blushed and let out a groan.

"Turn your head like so." Antonio said softly, turning his head just slightly. "You haven't had enough to be drunk yet. You should remember these things." Antonio's voice dripped with amusement. Lovino's cheeks were on fire. He had never done this with anyone before and he was messing up his first kiss. He smiled and tried again only to smash their teeth together.

"Fuck. I'm sorry. You must think I'm an idiot." Tears welled in Lovino's eyes. Antonio took Lovino's face in his hands and smiled, staring at the boy in his lap.

"Lovi, have you kissed someone before?" Lovino's face fell from embarrassment. He was twenty years old and had never been kissed. He was never attracted to any of the girls he was friends with who would flirt with him. It had been so confusing for him to see guys who he liked the way he was supposed to like girls, so he would just lash out at any guy who tried to speak to him. Besides, he was far too busy with school and making straight A's and working and being involved in extracurriculars so he could get a scholarship for college. There was never time for Lovino to have a first kiss.

"O-of course I have!" Lovino tried to sound indignant. Antonio's eyes softened. "I'm twenty years old. You think I haven't kissed someone before? I've kissed loads of people." Antonio laughed. "What the hell are you laughing at, you bastard?"

"You haven't, have you? Oh my god, Lovino! You're cuter than I thought. Oh wow. So I'm guessing you're still a…" Lovino's heart pounded as his cheeks continued to burn. Antonio motioned his hand along Lovino's body.

"Don't laugh at me! I didn't have time to do stupid stuff like kiss and fuck!" Antonio smirked and pinched Lovino's cheek.

"Lovinito, you are too precious. God, this is why I love you." Lovino froze. Antonio loved him? He felt the shock dissipate to be replaced by giddiness. He covered his mouth with both hands to hide his smile. "Don't cover your smile, mi amor. It's so beautiful. Luckily for you I _have_ kissed quite a few people and have been around the block several times, so I know what I'm doing. This will be so good for you, Lovi." Lovino's stomach dropped. Did that mean…what he thought it meant? Was Antonio really going to make love to him? His body tingled with excitement.

"Okay." Lovino breathed. Antonio laughed again and took Lovino's face in his hands, rubbing his thumbs along the boy's cheeks.

"Oh Lovino, you are so cute and innocent." He slowly brushed his lips against Lovino's causing the man to close his eyes and hold his breath. Antonio brushed their lips again before pressing them together. He ran his tongue over Lovino's lips and Lovino parted them to allow Antonio to enter his mouth. He felt a tightness start in his pants as Antonio continued to kiss him. Lovino ran his fingers through Antonio's hair and he felt the older man's hand travel down his back then under his shirt and up his sides where they ran up and down his bare flesh eliciting a shiver from Lovino. He pulled away slightly only to have Antonio pull him into his lap and hold him closer as their tongues mingled. Antonio pulled away.

"So? How was your first kiss?' His green eyes sparkled and he laughed seeing the sleepy look on Lovino's face. Antonio took the look to mean the boy had enjoyed the kiss. "Don't go to sleep yet! We're just getting started. I promise that you'll love this. I'll make your forget the world." He winked and stared at Lovino.

"What are you waiting for?" Lovino asked giggling again before straddling him.

Antonio could not believe that Lovino was opening up. He'd seen flickers of the boy's affections, but it was always masked with insults and glares. He liked it. He kissed him back and pulled him closer to him, sliding his hands into Lovino's pants and massaging the flesh by the handful. Lovino's breath quickened and he pulled away from the kiss, burying his head in Antonio's shoulder. Antonio chuckled and slowly parted the cheeks before slipping a finger between them to tease at the younger man's entrance. He pressed the pad of his finger to the hole and pulled back repeated causing Lovino to squirm. Antonio smiled.

"Let's take this to your room, shall we? We don't want Matt coming home and interrupting." Lovino giggled and nodded. Antonio stood up, holding the smaller man and took to him the room. He laid him back on the bed and crawled on top of him, lowering his body to rest on him. Lovino's breathing was ragged. Antonio smiled and brushed his lips against Lovino's. They laid like this, just kissing gently before Lovino broke away and pushed Antonio off of him. He was trembling as he pulled his shirt off, not breaking eye contact. Then he pulled off Antonio's. Antonio was shocked when trembling hands touched his bare skin and small kisses trailed around the outline of his muscles down, down. Lovino sat up and fumbled with Antonio's pants, but his hands were too shaky to unbutton them. Antonio sat up and took Lovino's hands.

"Allow me," he said flirtatiously with a wink. He unbuttoned both his and Lovino's pants and slipped them off. Lovino's heart was racing and his hands were trembling as he pushed Antonio back and kissed the inside of his thighs before pulling off the man's boxers. He stared at the erection that came up to meet him. His eyes widened and he looked up at Antonio with big eyes watching him, panting. "You don't have to," he said softly, sensing Lovino's uncertainty.

"No. I…I want to. I just…I've never…um…shut the hell up!" Antonio laughed and watched as the man lowered himself down. "Tell me what to do if I do it wrong," he said quietly.

"Let me know show you and you can do it next time." Antonio smirked, pinning Lovino down before he even had a chance to think. Lovino squirmed, his breathing fast. Antonio laid on him and kissed him a few time before going to his neck, suckling and leaving several marks. He kisses down Lovino's chest before running his tongue in circles around the nipple before covering it with his mouth. Lovino gasped and felt a pulsating in his pelvis. The younger's eyes widen from the pleasantness of it all and the amount of tension in his body. Antonio loved the faces Lovino was making as he felt sensations he never had before. He trailed down Lovino's chest and kept kissing downward. Lovino watched him with wide eyes. His body was so alive with want. He could barely breathe. Antonio nipped at Lovino's bellybutton and licked around it, pushing the man's boxer's down and palming him as he did so. Lovino let out a moan. Further and further before he met Lovino's penis. He kissed the tip ever so gently as he ran a finger down the shaft. Lovino whimpered as Antonio slowly trailed kisses downward. He nipped the inside of his thighs causing Lovino to whimper again.

"God, Toni, please. Holy fuck." Antonio winked at him and Lovino stomach dropped Antonio sat up and took Lovino's hands slowly raised them to be over Lovino's head.

"Stay like this. Don't touch me." Lovino nodded, biting his lip. Antonio smiled that smile that drove Lovino crazy. Lovino gasped suddenly Antonio's mouth was around him.

"Oh god…Toni!" Antonio sucked hard as he ran his tongue over him. He took his time with the Lovino squirming and cursing and moaning all the while until Lovino came in his mouth. The boy was gasping for air as Antonio swallowed and kissed him. "Oh shit…that…oh god."

Antonio suddenly stuck three fingers into Lovino's mouth and instructed him to suck. Lovino was confused, but did was he was told. After they were fully coated Antonio removed them. He spread Lovino's legs and positioned himself between them before he leaned down and kissed Lovino to keep him from speaking. He inserted his middle finger into the man's entrance. Lovino squirmed at the discomfort. Antonio moved the finger back and forth before adding another, eliciting multiple whimpers from the boy underneath him. He began scissoring in every direction possible before inserting the last one. Lovino gripped Antonio tightly as he continued to stretch out the boy. Antonio pulled out and held his face inches from Lovino's lips.

"This is going to be so good for you. I promise," he whispered, kissing him. He sat back and tore open a condom and slid it on only to have it rip. "Shit. Um…Lovi, do you happen to have condoms? My last one just broke. I really didn't plan this. I didn't come prepared."

"What do you think?" Antonio chuckled.

"Alright then, um…I'll get one from Matt's room."

"He locks the door." Antonio bit his lip.

"I'll run to the convenience store."

"No. Just fuck me, please! I can't take the tension anymore!" Lovino begged.

"I don't have a condom, Lovino." Antonio stated firmly.

"I don't care. Just fuck me! Now! Oh god…I can't take this anymore. You better not have anything, you fucking bastard!" Antonio thought about it. He didn't have anything and Lovino was a virgin. "Please, Antonio!" Lovino continued to plead in desperation while Antonio thought more.

"Fine." Antonio poured lube into his hand and coated his shaft before positioning himself at the man's hole. "Take a deep breath and relax." Antonio slowly inserted the tip and continued to push in slowly.

"Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Shit! Fuck! Holy…" Lovino held his fist to his mouth, biting down on his thumb as he squirmed. Tears welled in his eyes. He didn't think this was going to be worth the pain. "Fuck me. Oh god. Motherfucker!" Antonio stopped pushing in and Lovino looked at him. Antonio was staring at him with gentle eyes. He gently lived a hand and brushed his tears away.

"I'm in. Are you okay?" he asked softly. Lovino nodded. "I'm going to move now. It will probably be uncomfortable at first and maybe painful, but it'll pass." He brushed Lovino's hair back and kissed him before pulling back so that just the head remained inside him before thrusting in. He repeated this motion as Lovino cursed underneath him as he gripped the sheets in pain. _What was I thinking? _

"God, it hurts," Lovino whimpered.

"I know. It'll pass," Antonio reassured. Antonio hit something and Lovino let out a moan. Antonio smiled. He found the sweet spot. Antonio quickened his pace and hitting Lovino's prostate over and over.

"Feels…shit, oh shit, Antonio, feels so good!" Lovino gasped out arching his back. Why had he been denying this? This was the best feeling in the world. Antonio smirked down continuing to increase in speed and force. Lovino was moaning and cursing and screaming Antonio's name by the time the Italian came. Antonio buried himself deep in him and came inside. He pulled out causing Lovino to gasp at the sudden emptiness. Antonio kissed him. "So how was your first time, mi amor?"

"Perfect. Absolutely perfect," Lovino mumbled struggling to keep his eyes open

"I am from Spain, the land of passion," Antonio winked brushing their lips once again. Lovino even smiled, causing joy to go through Antonio's heart.

"Shut up, bastard." Lovino snuggled into Antonio's chest and closed his eyes. Antonio wrapped him in warm arms. He had taken his love's virginity and it had been the most perfect night of his life. Lovino allowed him in finally after so long and so many attempts to break down his walls. Antonio breathed in the smell of Lovino before closing his eyes as well.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Thank you for reading. Please leave a comment!<em>**


	3. Chapter 3

_**I decided to do two updates this weekend since I missed the update schedule for Thursday. **_

**_Oh I also wanted to mention that there will be ooc moments in this fic. I have a headcanon that when Lovino is in private and feels comfortable with someone, he's pretty open. Later on there will be some pretty dark Antonio ooc moments, but we all know that the characters all have dark sides. I just wanted you to be aware that the ooc moments are intentional for the plot of this fic, but they go along with sides that aren't really explored much in canon, so I'm using headcanons. Please feel free to point anything out that you disagree with._**

* * *

><p>Lovino woke the next morning to a strange sensation of slight throbbing with a tinge of pain. He opened his eyes and blinked as the bright lights caused his eyes to ache. <em>Why the fuck am I naked?<em> He wondered sitting up. He inhaled sharply as a pain shot up his spine. _What the fuck?_ His head was pounding. He tried to think. He had talked to Feli…Feli had cancer. The memory caused his stomach to drop. What happened after he got off the phone? Antonio had come over and they drank. Lovino didn't realize he drank so much. He couldn't remember what had happened. He remembered nothing after Antonio pulled out the pinnacle. He pulled his boxers on nervously and stood up, another pain. He went to fix up the bed and saw that they were twisted and pulled off the mattress. _What…_

"Buenos dias, mi amor!" Lovino froze as Antonio came out of his bathroom in only his boxers. He walked over to Lovino and wrapped his arms around him, gently kissing him. Lovino's head was spinning. His heart was pounding. Panic was setting in as tears threatened his eyes and a lump rose in his stomach.

"What…what happened?" Lovino whispered. "Antonio…did…did…" He couldn't finish his sentence. Antonio's smiling face fell.

"You don't remember?" Lovino shook his head, blinking frantically as tears blurred his vision. "Shit…Lovi, I didn't know you were drunk. I'm…Fuck." Antonio ran a hand through his hair. "I swear to god, I didn't know you were drunk. You didn't drink that much and you weren't acting…" Lovino shook his head.

"What happened?" He repeated softly, almost pleading.

"We…we were drinking and you started trying to kiss me and I thought…I thought you were ready to open up to me. I didn't know…I…" Antonio shook his head. "I just love you so much."

"No. Fuck Antonio, what happened?" Lovino was trembling.

"We kissed and then came back in here and fucked." Lovino's knees gave out and he fell on the bed sobbing. "Don't cry, Lovi. Please. It was just sex. It wasn't a big deal. I mean, I love you, but if you don't…"

"NOT A BIG DEAL? NOT A BIG DEAL?" Lovino was trembling and started throwing anything he could get his hands on at Antonio. "I HATE YOU!" Antonio grabbed Lovino's wrists to restrain him.

"Lovino, calm down! I'm sorry that I upset you. It's just that sex is a natural act and it's normal to have feelings and attractions. Sex isn't a big deal."

"You took my virginity, you bastard. You took it and I…I…I can never get it back! I don't even remember it! That was fucking important to me!" Lovino willed himself to shut up, but the words just kept flowing like the tears down his face and he couldn't stop it if he wanted to. "I have thought for so long how it would be and I never had anyone there until I met you! And then it was you! And you just fucking…you fucking ruin everything. It was supposed to perfect. It was supposed to be exciting and electrifying and beautiful and you ruined it!"

"Lovi…we can do it over." Antonio smiled taking his face in his hands.

"Who…who says I want to have sex with you? Who says I like you?" Lovino blushed hard causing Antonio's face to soften.

"You did." Antonio kissed him and waited for it to be returned. Slowly, hesitantly, Lovino placed one hand on the Spaniard's chest and the other behind his necked and pressed his lips against his. Antonio felt the boy tremble.

Lovino couldn't believe he was doing this. He was actually doing this. It made it easier that it had already happened, regardless of if he remembered or not. He was tired of putting up the wall. He wanted to just give in and that was what he was going to do. It felt good to kiss Antonio, to finally feel his body pressed against him. Antonio pulled back and announced he was going to get a condom from Matt. Lovino followed him as far as the doorway. He heard Alfred's loud, obnoxious voice congratulating Antonio.

"Dude, we came home and all we hear is Lovino screaming your name. It was so awesome. Like Matt and I looked at each other and we were, fucking finally! So how was it?" Lovino felt sick. So even Alfred and Matt were aware of his lost virginity. Why was it every one besides him? Hot tears filled his eyes and he shut the door softly. Antonio appeared a moment later and smiled at him holding up a pack of condoms.

"Life savers. Lovi, are you okay?" Lovino shrugged.

"Everyone knows but me."

"That's why we do it again. I'll make it better. You probably won't have pain this time." He grinned at Lovino who narrowed his eyes.

"That's part of the experience, idiota." Antonio smirked.

"It might hurt." And with that Antonio tried his best to replicate the night before. It wasn't working. Lovino was too tense. It was as though he were afraid to touch him. Antonio wished Lovino could remember and hoped his fog would rise to remember the shared touches, the nervous glances. This just felt awkward.

Lovino wanted to cry of humiliation. He was so awkward. He accidently ended up elbowing Antonio in the nose. He kept apologizing. Everything was going wrong. Antonio kept telling him to relax, to trust him. His body just would not cooperate. He had tears in his eyes by the time Antonio was ready to start stretching him.

"Are you okay?" Antonio asked softly, kissing away the tears.

"Everything is wrong. This isn't how I pictured it."

"It never is." Antonio kissed him gently. "But do you want me inside you making you feel good?" Lovino nodded. "Just let me do everything. I know what I'm doing." He laid back and by the end, everything was alright. He was gasping for breath and amazed by how good it felt. When Antonio collapsed next to him, he was still panting. Lovino curled into him and kissed him.

"We can't be together," Lovino said after a moment. Antonio looked down at the man lying in his arms.

"What?"

"I can't have distractions if I want to be doctor. I need to just power through."

"So…this was more a one night, er, morning thing?" Antonio asked. Lovino stared at him. Why did Antonio look at him like that? His eyes were filled with shock and hurt, but amusement as well.

"I'm not that kind of guy, Toni. Don't be ridiculous. I want you, but this can't be anything serious. I need you to know that. You aren't going to be a priority. My number one is school. I need to be a doctor. And my brother has cancer. I…I can't fully invest in a relationship." Those words were so hard to say. This was the reason he had been saving himself. The timing was so wrong. If he hadn't gotten drunk…If only Matt hadn't been out. He wasn't the type of person to do this. This was so wrong. Everything was so wrong. Antonio was running his hands down Lovino's side.

"If…If you want to keep doing this, I won't be with anyone else." Lovino looked up at the man. "I love you, Lovino Vargas. You are the most strong-willed, cute, innocent, funny, fiery, sassy, intelligent, kind hearted person I have ever met in my life and you are wise years beyond your age. I'd wait for you."

Lovino stared at Antonio. Antonio would wait for him. They had only known each for six months and the whole time consisted of Antonio flirting and Lovino lashing out at him. It didn't make sense. He didn't let himself be open around Antonio, so how could Antonio possibly know anything about him? He didn't understand how Antonio could love him without knowing him. He brushed away his thoughts. It wasn't good to think so logically. Antonio would wait for him and that was all he'd ever wanted to hear. Lovino kissed Antonio and was surprised that he hadn't been so awkward with it.

Antonio smiled at him. He ran his thumb up and down Lovino's cheek. His eyes were soft as he looked at the younger man. The look caused Lovino's heart fluttered and his stomach knotted.

"God, you're perfect," Antonio smiled before getting up. "Go take a shower, amor. I'm going to make lunch for us."

The man crawled over Lovino and pulled on a pair of jeans before walking out of the room. Lovino couldn't help be stare at his muscular frame. What the hell had he done? He'd given in and this was the beginning of the end of everything. He knew it. He could feel something wrong. But he couldn't worry about that now. He had class in two hours.

* * *

><p>Lovino walked nervously through campus to his class. He hadn't known that having sex would feel like this after. Antonio had assured him it was normal in the beginning to feel sore and that he would feel it until he got used to it. Antonio had smirked when he said the more they did it, the easier it'd be on him. Lovino wasn't sure if he believed him or not, but he sure did want to do it more. It felt <em>so <em>good. He remembered the sensations and shivered slightly. He glanced around him paranoid that people were seeing him wincing slightly and limping as he walked slowly.

He got to his classroom, relieved that he would no longer be stared at. A guy next to him glanced over when he gasped and winced as he sat down a little too forcefully. He ran a hand over his face before brushing his hair aside and pulling out his laptop and textbook for notes and references. He inhaled sharply a few times as he moved and tried his best to find a position most comfortable to sit. He ignored his classmate staring at him.

"Are you okay, dude?" the guy asked softly.

"Um, uh, yes," he choke out. "Leave me the fuck alone. I'm here to learn."

The student chuckled and shook his head a little before ripping a sheet of paper out of his notebook and writing on it. Lovino opened his notes document and the lecture slides, arranging them to be on either side of the screen. Suddenly the young man slid the piece of paper to him.

"_Too much sex last night? ;)"_ it read.

Lovino stared in embarassed horror before writing back. He knew he was deep red at this point.

"_What the fuck? That's a bit too personal for someone to ask."_

"_So that's a yes."_

"_Shut the fuck up! I didn't say anything!"_

"_You didn't deny it, Lovino."_

"_How the fuck do you know my name?"_

"_We've had classes together the last three years dumbass."_

"_So? We're not friends. I'm here to learn, not make friends."_

"_I take it you're premed from that competitive attitude. So I wonder why you're so embarassed by something as natural as sex."_

"_It's none of your 's why."_

"_Oh come on. It's so obvious. What? Did you and your boyfriend stay up all night fucking your brains out?"_

"_I don't have a boyfriend…"_

"_Then a random stranger. Nothing wrong with the occassional hookup."_

"_He's not a stranger."_

"_So you admit it!"_

"_Fuck...Okay, yes. I got fucked. Now will you leave me alone? Please?"_

Lovino was relieved when the piece of paper wasn't passed back to him. He listened to the lecture intently, frantically typing his notes, bolding and highlighting his powerpoints, flipping through the pages his textbook and highlighting areas in green that the professor mentioned. He had a system where he would read the assigned reading and highlight the vocabulary in blue, the things he found important in yellow, things he had a question about in orange with the question written next to it, and anything mentioned in detail by the professor in green. It had been working well. He would go back through and highlight in notes on his computer in the same fashion.

Class was dismissed. He sighed and decided he should go see his brother. He knew Feliciano shouldn't be home alone and their father probably hadn't stayed home or taken off to be there when Feli got home from school. He figured he'd keep him company and cook. He planned on coming out to his brother. That should be the first person he told. He didn't care that Matthew and Alfred had heard him having sex twice or that Antonio had been inside him. Nobody knew he was gay. They just knew that he got rather nervous around this man and they had sex. It didn't mean he was gay, dammit!

"Lovino!" a voice called as he was leaving the classroom.

Lovino stopped and turned around. He never talked to people in his class. He saw the smiling face of his classmate hurrying toward him. He rolled his eyes and started walking. He didn't care to talk to _anyone,_ particularly nosey people like him. He couldn't even remember the guy's name. He had made a point not to. Even after having done prestation projects, he made a point to keep it only business. He wouldn't have even been friends with Matt had Matt not been so kind to him when he came into the tutoring center frazzled over the first day of courses.

"Lovino, you dropped something!" the voice called.

Lovino stopped and turned around slowly with a glare. He wasn't going to take a chance on losing something important because he didn't want to talk to this asshole. It could have been anything. He crossed his arms and huffed annoyed as the man approached.

"Well?" Lovino snapped.

"You didn't drop anything. I just wanted to talk to you. Okay, so like tell me about it. I bet it was rough and hard and oh god, you must have had so much," he smirked.

Lovino's jaw dropped and his cheeks burned. He went back to glaring. He couldn't believe this guy! He turned around and started walking again.

"Lovino!" the kid chased after him.

Lovino felt his blood pressure rising. He spun around and grabbed the guy by the front of his shirt as tears filled his eyes.

"I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but we are not friends. I do not fucking make friends. I have my best friend and my brother and they are the only damn friends I need. My sex life is none of your business, so leave me the fuck alone, you asshole." Lovino pushed the boy back and started walking again, brushing the tears of embarassment of off his cheeks.

"Dude, did that guy leave something up your ass because it sure seems you have a stick stuck up there."

"Look, you little shit, for your information no. I am not particularly proud of what happened and I don't want to fucking talking about. I told you, I don't make friends."

"I can see why…" the guy said,giving Lovino a disgusted look as he looked him up and down.

"Because people are fucking dicks." Lovino glared and stopped as the guy's face softened in understanding.

"Look, dude, I'm sorry. I got a hard time too growing up. It's cool. We're not high school. We're in college. I'm not trying to make friends either. I just have to know! I'm horny as shit and I've been under a dry spell. So like tell me about it?"

"I don't even remember," he muttered.

"That bad, huh? Ugh, don't you just hate it when the guy is bad?"

"Well...he was good, not that I have anything to compare it to."

"Wait...no. Your first time?" The guy threw his head back and laughed. "Wooow."

"Shut the fuck up. I told you I didn't want to talk about it and you're prying it out of me. I don't like it!" Lovino hissed.

"Okay…"

Thankful to finally get rid of the annoying classmate, Lovino hopped in his car and drove home. The drive was peaceful. He could think about things. The man glanced at the clock. Feli should definitely be home by the time he got there.

He pulled up to the small shack-like house he had grown up in with the well maintained yard. There were many flowers growing in front of a rosebush that their mother had planted before she had died. He and Feliciano had kept it alive through the years. The white paint was still chipping off and appeared very dirty. He grabbed his bag and locked the door before walking up the creaking wooden steps to the screen door. He used his key to open the front door that was in the same condition as the rest of the house. He was greeted by strangely familiar sounds coming from Felicano's bedroom though he couldn't place it.

"Feliciano, I'm home!" Lovino called.

"Hold on!" Feliciano called. Lovino rolled his eyes and walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water. He heard the door open a few minutes later. He glanced over to see his brother pulling away from an embrace with the girl who walked out the door.

Feliciano skipped over and hugged his brother tightly, a grin on his face. His hair was out of place, but Lovino shrugged it off. He leaned against the counter and as he drank the water.

"You didn't tell me you had a girlfriend," Lovino muttered.

"I don't," Feliciano giggled, shaking his head. "No, that was my friend Dara. She came over to talk because I wanted to tell all my friends individually about my diagnosis. That way if they cry, they're not embarassed. See when you came in we were, um, we were crying." Feliciano said a little too quickly as he looked around the kitchen.

"Well that's nice of you. How are you holding up?"

"Papa and I stayed up half the night talking and crying, but you know I think I'll be okay. I mean I am scared, but I'm strangely calm. I'm just planning on meeting with as many friends as possible in these next couple weeks before I start treatment," Feliciano said in an odd tone of voice. "But enough of that, let's talk in the living room, okay?"

"Yeah. I actually have something I want to talk to you about."

"Ooh fun!" Feli giggled and skipped out of the room.

Lovino smiled shaking his head. His brother would be okay. He loved that even in a storm Feliciano could be happy. He set his water on the counter and walked into the living room. Feliciano was already sitting on the couch waiting when Lovi entered. His eyes got wide as a grin formed on his face. Lovino gave him a confused look and sat down, inhaling sharply as he did so. He really needed to learn to be more gentle.

"YOU GOT LAID! YOU DID IT! YOU HAD SEX!" Feli exclaimed as he put his hands on his cheeks.

"Fuck, Feli. Calm down will you? It's not like I won the goddamn lottery. I just kind of, maybe, well I did lose my virginity last night," Lovino mumbled.

"Wait...hold up...you were a virgin?"

"Yes. I told you this multiple times, idiot."

"Well, yeah, but I didn't think you were serious…" Feli smirked.

"I was. Feli, I'm-"

"Is he cute? What's his name? How long have you been together? Can I meet him?"

"...gay. How did you know?" Lovino finished narrowing his eyes at his little brother as a blush spread across his cheeks.

"If you had sex with a girl you would be walking like that nor would you be in pain when you plop down," Feli smired. "Plus I've known since you were fifteen and I asked if you the rumors were true and you told me to leave you alone. Like I had asked you so many times, but you always got mad and denied and that day you didn't deny it. Answer my questions!" Feliciano was practically bouncing.

"He is sooo cute! Very handsome. He's Spaniard. Curly dark brown hair, green eyes, slightly tan skin, ripped as fuck. His name is Antonio. He's a chef. You can meet him later. We're not technically together…" Lovino glanced up at the last sentence nervously. "Don't judge me. I'm not a whore. I just can't have a relationship right now. I need to focus on school and I need to get you and Papa out of this shithole. We're exclusive though. I'm not going to fuck anyone else and he's not going to be with anyone else either. I really like him."

"I don't think that you are," Feli smiled.

"Okay. Ugh, how am I supposed to sit with Papa in Mass and not take communion?" Lovino buried his face in his hands and groaned.

"Either tell him you missed confession or do it anyway."

"Feliciano, you can't just do it anyway!"

"You're not supposed to be having gay sex, but you are. Chill out. We were raised in a church that told us how forgiving God is, not that mean stuff they say on TV. You could always go to a different service. Just say your work schedule changed. Papa can only go to the early service."

"Feli…"

"Then let him question you," Feli grinned.

"No fucking way," Lovino breathed. Feliciano laughed and snuggled into his brother.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Please review!<em>**


	4. Chapter 4

Later that night Lovino was laying in his room thinking. There was no use denying it any longer. All the confusion he had experienced his entire life was finally answered. He was gay and there was nothing wrong with that. His love (if that's what it was) for Antonio was beautiful. How could love be wrong? He thought back to what his father had always said about it being unnatural and wrong, but how could it be wrong? Roma encouraged Lovino and Feliciano to both go out and pick up girls. All Lovino wanted was one man; one beautiful, sweet, kind man. He felt that his feet were finally on solid ground.

He stood up with a smile feeling so light. He needed to say it out loud to someone other than Feliciano. The thought brought a twisting in his stomach and heat rushing all over his body. Matthew already knew he was struggling…but then again, what if he reacted badly? No, he had to tell him. They were best friends.

He strolled out of his room and found Matthew sitting on the couch watching TV. Lovino plopped down next to him and sighed, glancing sideways at his best friend. Matthew glanced at him for a moment and then back to the TV. Lovino rolled his eyes and sighed louder. Matthew looked at him and waited. After Lovino didn't say anything, he turned back to watching TV. Lovino felt hurt and annoyed. He jumped up, fists balled.

"You suck! You're not even going to ask me what's wrong? You're supposed to be my best fucking friend!"

"Don't be passive aggressive, Lovi," Matt said with a sigh as he turned off the TV. "If you want to talk to me, just tell me." Lovino rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

"You were watching TV. That's rude to just interrupt." Matt chuckled and turned to face Lovino.

"Okay, so what do you want to talk to me about?" Lovino felt his heart pounding in his chest. He could do this. He could. The rising fear and anxiety building in him was overwhelming.

"Um…," he tried to swallow the lump in his throat, "I…"

"It's okay, Lovino," Matthew smiled at his best friend.

Tears filled Lovino's eyes. What if Matt turned on him? What if he lost his best friend? What if he was kicked out? The thoughts raced the boy's head. He opened his mouth and closed it. He stared at Matthew who was politely smiling and watching him. "I, um, I think…Mattie, I'm gay."

Matthew smiled. "Of course you are." _You were getting screwed twice in a span of hours and you sounded like you enjoyed it._

"What?" Lovino stared at Matt squeezing himself tighter still and blinking away tears.

Matthew stood and went over to Lovino. He placed his hands on the boy's shoulders and looked him in the eyes, "You told me that you have never been attracted to a woman before in your life while having the most beautiful girls all around you since I met you. You have been attracted to men. I have never seen you go crazy over anyone besides Antonio though, so I knew you liked him. Plus there was that first time you met Toni that you started asking me about him and then started trying convince me you didn't like him when I wasn't even saying you did before you told me he was gorgeous. If you weren't gay, I don't know anything about the world." Matthew's eyes were kind. He wrapped his arms around Lovino.

"You know if you had just told me, you could have saved me a lot of heartache."

"You mentioned that you were confused and I thought it'd be best to just not comment on anything until you figured it out yourself," Matthew laughed, "Besides it's not my place to tell you what your sexuality is. You're the one who should be telling me."

"Oh," Lovino hugged his friend back before they stepped apart, Matt's hand s back on Lovino's shoulder. "I feel so stupid. You already knew and I never told you." Lovino chewed his lip as he blinked back even more tears.

"Lovi?" Matthew's face was serious causing a wave of panic to spread over the younger man.

"Yes?"

"I'm straight." Lovino shifted slightly.

"Well…yeah. I know that." Lovino didn't understand why Matthew was telling him this. _Is Mattie telling me he doesn't want me around?_

"But I never told you," Matt smiled. "It's the exact same thing. You see things in your friends, their preference and patterns and such, and you just know. I'm glad that you told me, but I hope you didn't feel like you had to or that it would change anything. You're still my best friend and I still love you to death. Come here." Matthew wrapped his arms around his friend once more.

Lovino wiped the tears from his eyes, blushing and laughing lightly. The two decided to get some ice cream from the freezer. They sat on the couch eating in a comfortable silence. Lovino set his bowl down, still halfway full of cream and rested his face in his hand.

Matthew watched him, waiting. He knew his friend did little things when he wanted to speak, but was too uncomfortable to be the one to start talking. It usually meant that he had something personal to say. Matthew liked to wait and give his friend a moment to try to speak if he wanted to. After five minutes of Lovino shifting, sighing, chewing his lip or thumb, and opening and closing his mouth several times, Matt decided to put his friend out of misery.

"Do you want to talk about something, Lovi?" Lovino looked up and smiled finally going back to eating his ice cream.

"Can I talk to you about what happened with Antonio?" Lovino stared at him.

"I heard it," Matthew smirked and nudged him. "You definitely liked it. Go ahead."

Lovino spent the next hour talking to Matthew about his time with Antonio. "And yeah, so it felt good when he was actually in, but the whole process was so fucking awkward and I was so embarrassed. Antonio is so…so good at it and I'm just like where do I put my hands?" Lovino sighed.

"Antonio told us this morning that it was a perfect night. Don't worry about it. Antonio is just really experienced. He knew you were a virgin, so it's not like he was expecting you to know what you were doing," Matthew offered a comforting smile.

Lovino chewed on his lip. He wished he could remember losing his virginity. If it was as perfect as Antonio promised it was, he needed desperately to know the details. He must have looked like there was something wrong because Matthew pulled him out of his thoughts questioning what was bothering him.

"Um…I…" Lovino didn't know if he could tell Matt. He was so ashamed that his first time was a result of a drunken night. Lovino glanced at his friend and swallowed hard. "I don't remember last night at all."

"What?" Matthew's eyes were huge and he leaned forward.

"I got really drunk," Lovino stared down at his hands. "And this morning was terrible."

"Antonio took advantage of you?" Matthew's eyes narrowed, his voice dripping with uncharacteristic anger.

"No, no, nothing like that. He didn't know I was drunk. Hell, I didn't even know I was drunk. I didn't even think I drank that much, but when I woke up…" Lovino glanced up and shrugged. "What can you do?"

The two friends stayed up talking and watching movies until Lovino fell asleep on the couch.

* * *

><p>Lovino was woken the next morning in bed by someone poking him and giggling. He swatted at the person and his face only to be poked in the side. He turned back to face who ever had rudely interrupted his rest to find Antonio kneeling by the bed with a smile on his face. Lovino narrowed his eyes.<p>

"What?" he hissed.

"Lovi, that's not polite!" Antonio frowned.

"I don't fucking care. You waking me up is fucking rude if you ask me," Lovino snapped. "How the hell did you even get in? I'm trying to sleep."

Antonio kissed the man softly and giggled. "Alfie let me in. Get up! We have plans."

"My plan is to sleep. Get out."

"Lovinito sure is a grumpy gill this morning," Antonio sang playfully.

"How do you wake up? Annoyingly cheerful?"

Lovino sat up and rubbed his eyes. He glanced at the clock and groaned at the sickening green numbers telling him it was eight in the morning on his only day he was able to sleep in. He laid back down and covered himself with the blankets mumbling to Antonio that he was going back to bed. He suddenly found himself smothered by the Spaniard, who insisted on kissing him yet another time.

"Okay, Lovi. You want to stay in bed longer. Let's have some fun."

"Antonio…" Lovino groaned. "I'm tired."

"Then get up! I want to take you to breakfast! I know a place."

Antonio pulled the blanket off to be met with Lovino clinging to it. Lovino insisted on sleeping and Antonio insisted on breakfast. Lovino was getting tired of keeping up the fight. If the bastard wanted the blanket, fine. He'd let him have it. He didn't need a blanket. He let go suddenly before curling up and hugging his blanket. Antonio stumbled and fell on his butt from the sudden loss of tension. Lovino howled with laughter.

"Lovino Vargas! That was not nice!" Antonio scolded.

"I told you to let me sleep. Did you break your hip, old man?"

"I told you, I am not old!" Antonio snapped throwing the blanket to the side and scrambling to his feet. "You'll pay for that."

"What are you going to do? Take my air blanket?" Lovino retorted with a smirk.

"No."

Antonio jumped on Lovino, straddling his waist as he tickled him. Lovino tried to push his hands away, but was unable to get him to stop. He laughed and laughed until he could barely breathe and his sides and stomach ached.

"T-Toni, I c-c-can't breathe!" Lovino laughed.

"Are you going to get up and go to breakfast with me?"

"Yes! Just s-s-stop!"

"Okay!" Antonio cooed and stopped. He kissed Lovino's neck, suckling as he allowed the man to catch his breath, his hands running up and down his sides.

Lovino laid there for a moment, enjoying the feel of Antonio so close to him. It was electrifying. He wrapped his arms around Antonio and buried his face in his neck breathing him in. Antonio looked down at him. They stared at each other for a moment before Lovino sat up to kiss him. It was perfect. He wasn't awkward this time. He ran his fingers through the older man's dark curls as Antonio's hands continued running over his body. He could feel Antonio getting hard against him.

"Okay, let's go to breakfast," Lovino sang as he pushed Antonio back and jumped off the bed.

"What?" Antonio gasped. "Lovi, you started a little problem."

"Hm, sucks. I told you to let me sleep. Maybe next time you'll leave me alone," Lovino smirked.

"Lovi…"

"What?"

"You're evil," Antonio breathed.

"Grade A bitch. Don't forget it. Now get up."

Antonio grabbed Lovino and pinned him down. Lovino bit his lip as he tried to hold back a smile. He closed his eyes as Antonio nibbled the sensitive skin on his neck before giggling as it began to tickle. Antonio kissed him before pulling off the man's shirt. Lovino smiled and let it happen. He loved the newness of the sensations.

They finished and showered before going on their way to the restaurant Antonio insisted on taking Lovino to. It was fancy. Soft music was being played by an orchestra. The lights were dimmed and candles were set on the tables. He took Antonio's arm.

"This place is so fancy!" he hissed, staring around the place.

"This is where I work. I'm off today and I figured I'll try my chefling's cooking."

They were escorted to a table by a man dressed in the same button down and black slacks that Matthew wore to work. Antonio declined menus, ordering something that sounded French before glancing at Lovino with a smile.

"To drink?"

"Um, water is okay," Lovino muttered, tugging at his clothing. He was dressed far too casual for such a place.

"Nonsense! Do you like wine?"

"Uh…"

"We'll have Segura Viudas Cava Brut," Antonio smiled.

The waiter disappeared and Lovino stared after him. He hadn't heard of that before. He was in such awe over this place. He ran his eyes over Antonio trying to see if there was anyway he could have missed they were going somewhere like this. Antonio was wearing jeans and a button down with a pea coat. No, he wasn't dressed for this place.

"So how do you like this place?" Antonio asked with a smile.

"It's nice. I've never been somewhere like this before," Lovino breathed. He met Antonio's eyes. "If I had known, I would have put on my church clothes."

Antonio laughed and shook his head. "Church, Lovino, is for Wednesday and Sundays. It has no place on a Saturday."

"I'm just saying this place isn't really the type of place you wear faded jeans with holes and a tee shirt with a hoodie to," Lovino looked around wondering if people were staring at him.

"You're with me. I kind of co-own this place."

Lovino's eyes widened and he bit his nail. This was more than he had ever dreamed. He'd grown up unable to even fathom this amount of luxury. A candy bar was like hitting the jackpot.

"I didn't tell you! I have a catering business out of this place. Stick with me and you'll never have to dress up to walk into a five star restaurant."

The waiter arrived with a bottle of wine and two glasses. He opened it and poured them each a cup. Lovino was confused. Drinking at ten in the morning was not something you should do unless you had a drinking problem

"Uh, can I just have a caramel latte?" Lovino asked warily as Antonio sipped his wine.

"Right away, sir. A friend of Mr. Fernandez is a friend of mine." The waiter zipped into the kitchen.

"Lovino try it! It's Spanish wine. This particular one is a breakfast wine that goes well with eggs."

Lovino took a sip and sighed. It was good wine, but it was ten in the morning. He didn't know what Antonio had ordered him and honestly he didn't trust himself to drink ever again. He hated how he had let his guard down for a few hours and ruined his whole plan.

The waiter returned moments later. His coffee arrived with their meal. Lovino was shocked to see that it was a simple omelette with waffles. Antonio had ordered it in French for some reason unbeknownst to him. It was a nice breakfast. He'd never tasted anything like it. He listened to Antonio go on about his life and his goals. He felt connected, closer to this man somehow. He knew by the end of the morning that he wanted more of this. Antonio had promised him. For the first time, Lovino didn't do extra studying. He laid in bed and fell asleep with a smile on his face.

* * *

><p>Antonio dragged himself into his apartment. He was feeling so strange lately. He'd had so much energy the past few days, but after dropping Lovino off he felt drained. He wanted to curl up in bed and never wake up. He tossed his keys on the counter and glared at Francis who was humming as he typed on his computer.<p>

"What?" he was asked, the Frenchman looking confused. "Did your date not go as planned?"

"You're a dirty liar," Antonio told him, crossing his arms.

"Quoi? What did I lie about, mon ami?" Francis asked, closing his laptop.

"You said that wine made things romantic."

"Oui! It does! It is the best drink there is." Francis' blue eyes sparkled as he pushed his hair back.

"Lovino didn't seem to like it. He had one sipe and got coffee instead."

"Wait," Francis straightened up. "Didn't you take him to breakfast?"

"Si.'

"OH MY GOD, TONI, HE PROBABLY THINKS YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM!" Francis screeched in horror. "No respectable person drinks for breakfast!"

"You didn't tell me that!" Antonio snapped.

"I didn't think I had to!" Francis retorted with wide eyes.

Emma and Gilbert were in the living room and dying with laughter at Antoni's grave mistake. He wanted to crawl under a rock. He was worthless and good for nothing. Why did he ever think he stood a chance? He should just curl up in a ball and die.

"Isn't he a minor? Why are you giving him alcohol again after what happened last time? Don't you think you're taking this a bit far?" Gilbert asked when he finally caught his breath from laughing so hard.

"Yeah, he's twenty."

"And you're serving him alcohol in your place of work."

"So? I practically own it. I can do what I want." With that Antonio went to his room, thankful for a place to lay his head and forget about the world.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Here you are! I hope you enjoyed it. Please leave a review!<em>**


	5. Chapter 5

It had been a week and a half since things had begun with Antonio. Lovino couldn't believe it had been that long. It seemed as if just yesterday Antonio had been making him sweat and his heart race while Lovino masked his emotions with a foul attitude.

"Mio dio! Mio…mio…ah, Antonio! Mio dio, Antonio!" Lovino's cries of ecstasy filled the apartment. Antonio collapsed next to him moments later. The two panted next to each other for a moment.

Antonio rolled on top of Lovino and kissed him, running his hands down the boy's athletic, fit torso. He wasn't muscular, but definitely toned. Lovino felt a bit insecure about this considering how Antonio looked. Antonio pulled back, still staring down at Lovino with those dancing emerald eyes. Lovino's heart leapt.

"Lovi, let's talk, get to know each other." Lovino liked that idea. He didn't know much about his sort of boyfriend.

"You start," Lovino smiled. He didn't dare go first. He was nothing special. He came from poverty. He knew that Antonio's life had to be exciting.

"Okay, well you know something things about me, but I'll tell you everything I feel is important. So I'm twenty-six. My birthday is February 12, making me an Aquarius. I am bisexual. Upon graduating high school at eighteen, I went back to Spain for culinary arts school and ended up at the Le Cordon Bleu in Madrid. I am a chef at one of the finest restaurants in the country plus co-owning a private catering company earning near a six-figure income which I'm pretty proud of if I don't say so myself. Wow, I'm a catch," Antonio giggled. Lovino rolled his eyes.

"You sound as if you're making a dating profile. Do you like long walks on the beach and kisses at sunset too?" Lovino joked, planting a kiss on Antonio's lips.

"Shut up!" Antonio laughed. "But, si, I do like walks on the beach and kisses at sunset. Actually if it's with you, kisses at any time are perfect," he winked and brushed back a piece of hair that had landed in Lovino's face. "Now hush if you want to hear my life story."

"If you insist," Lovino laid his head on his folded arms and stared at Antonio.

"Okay, so I grew up in Pedraza, Spain. It's this really small village in the northeast of the country. There are castles there and it's just beautiful. My parents worked outside of the village obviously in this really touristy place, so they made fantastic money. When I was twelve, we moved here. My oldest brother was attending university in Madrid, so he stayed behind coming later on after he had graduated. I have four older siblings. Orlando, Lando, is thirty-four. Maria is thirty-one. Julian is thirty. Selina is twenty-nine. Then yours truly is the baby.

"Lando's a chemical engineer. Maria is a pharmacist. Julian is a dentist. Selina is history buff and teaches classes at a university. So it was kind of a shock to my parents when I wanted to go culinary school instead of a fancy university. Also all of my siblings are married with kids which is just…the thought of that makes me sick to my stomach. I mean Lando is a good age, but he had three kids already. He was married at twenty-five right after he finished his masters. Maria got married in pharmacy school and has two. Julian got married really early, twenty-three and has three kids and Maria just has one. Like I just couldn't even imagine settling down like that until I'm at least thirty-five."

"Antonio, you're so off topic," Lovino smirked.

"Oh yeah. Well basically I grew up in a really big family and we always had a lot of money. My dad has his MBA and my mom is a pastry chef. She has her own little bakery that does very well. So really, we did very well. Being the youngest, I was kind of allowed to do whatever. I met Gil and Francis in middle school and the three of us were a force to be reckoned with. We were always in trouble. You need to meet them. I think you'll like them. Francis is this French guy who is a kindergarten teacher by day and bartender by night. It's so weird that he teaches little kids though because he's a total pervert, but he's so good and innocent with the kids. Gilbert is an attorney and you will get lawyered…several times. My best best best friend is this girl named Emma that I met when I first moved here. She was the next door neighbor.

"Anyway I like to party, go out, drink and have fun. Music is like…it's like a drug. Cooking is my passion, of course. I like sex, dios, I love sex. I met this really cute guy who's at that awkward age where he's an adult, but still a kid. He's my coworker and friend's roommate. He's too cute and innocent. He's still learning how to have sex, but my god, I love to be around him. I love to talk to him and kiss him and fuck his brains out. He's beautiful and smart and funny. Man, is he smart. The funny thing is that he never even admitted to being gay until after we fucked twice. He does this adorable thing where he pretends to be so angry and hateful to people and I don't even know why because you can see that he's the most caring and sensitive person in the world. He's fragile, I think. So that's why he guards his heart so much. And I love him for it," Antonio laughed and kissed Lovino.

"You are such a jerk," Lovino said with a smile before kissing Antonio again, "but you're making me fall so hard for you."

"I know. It's a curse," Antonio shook his head and pulled Lovino into his arms.

"Toni?" Lovino glanced at Antonio, suddenly seriously. Toni gestured for him to continue. "You know that about me and I've never told you. You just realized it. You better understand that…that I've never let anyone in before. You better not break my fucking heart because…because…" he trailed off and snuggled into Antonio.

"Don't worry, mi amor. I couldn't break your heart if I tried. Your turn. You tell me about you and your life and your family and friends."

"Uh…well my parents are immigrants from Italia," Lovino started slowly before pausing a moment to organize his thoughts.

"Where in Italy?" Antonio inquired.

"Firenze." Antonio gave a questioning look. "Florence, shit, sorry. I'm not used to speaking about Italy in English," the boy blushed.

"It's okay. So I'm guessing since your parents are immigrants, your first language is probably not English," Antonio observed.

"Right. I spoke exclusive Italian until I was four when my parents put me in preschool to learn English. Their English was very broken at first," Lovino admitted.

"That explains why you have a very slight accent. Like you can't hear it most of the time, but on certain words…"

"Yeah…So they moved here when my mom was pregnant with me. They bought this small house they fell in love with and hoped that they could move somewhere nicer and larger once they got established. My dad really struggled to find good work. He owned a convenience store, but it wasn't very much after taxes. He even sold pizza inside and coffee. They had my little brother, Feliciano, when I was four…on my birthday which I was pretty mad about. When I was seven, my mom died suddenly. She ended up slipping or something and she hit her head pretty hard. She had this headache and she didn't say anything. She put my brother and me in bed and then she and our dad went to sleep. She died that night in her sleep. She…um…she…she…she had a bleed in her brain, so there was some blood on her pillow in the morning. It was actually Christmas that she died, so my brother and I went in to wake our parents up. It was scary because Feli jumped on her and she didn't wake up. Then we saw the blood and freaked out. Feli thought he hurt her. We were already poor, but that put my dad in debt and he didn't know what to do. He ended up selling the store and having to find work elsewhere. So my dad had to work odd jobs because he didn't have qualifications here. He worked at stores and restaurant and construction jobs. That was the last year that we got more than one gift on Christmas. I was able to get new clothes only when they were too small or they were really worn out. And I'd only get them from second hand shops. I grew up with like three pairs of clothes and Feli never got new clothes, just hand-me-downs," a smile danced on Lovino's lips. "There was this one year my dad got a bonus and, um, he woke Feli and I up Christmas morning to give us our present. Usually it was like a chocolate bar or I'd get a book and my brother would get a sketch pad with crayons or colored pencils, maybe a jacket or something. But this year, he was teary from how excited he was for us to open our gift. I got a science kit and my brother got an art kit from Florence, it was really nice. Feli loves art. He was so happy because for once he got a real art kit and I was so excited for the science kit. I remember our dad just crying and holding us because of how happy we were," Lovino remembered softly.

"Wow…" Antonio breathed, unable to imagine being so excited over something so small.

"Yeah. It was the best year. We couldn't afford much, so my dad would walk everywhere and if he needed us to go with him, we'd take the bus since Feli and I were free. We had to ride the bus to school. My dad tried his best to give us everything he could. He worked so much and I helped looked after Feli. It'd be so exciting when he'd bring us home a treat. I remember once he brought home a cupcake for each of us and Feli refused to eat it for a week because he was saving it, then he'd only eat a little bit of it at a time. We ate enough though since luckily Italian food is relatively cheap and it's filling. Naturally, pasta is my brother's favorite food. He really doesn't eat much else," Lovino glanced up at Antonio who had gasped.

"That…how could he not experience all the wide varieties of food?"

"Were you not listening? We can't afford it. I didn't try anything except Italian until I started college. Our house was really small. Feli and I had to share a room the whole time I lived there and we could only fit one bed in there, so we shared a bed too. But you know, it wasn't bad growing up like that. We are really close as a result, so it worked out. Like the three of us love each other so much. We can't go without talking. To help with the financial stress, my brother I got jobs as soon as we could. We always tried to give our dad money and he'd tell us that we should keep it and save it. He told us it wasn't our place to help him. He was supposed to help us, so that's what we did. I was able to buy a car before I left for college and Papa nearly cried because he wanted to give me one so badly," Lovino smiled at Antonio.

"I think the best thing is that Feli and I, we don't take much for granted. We know that there is happiness without material things. We used to stay up in our room telling stories to each other. We'd talk to each other, actually talk. We don't hide from each other. I love it. I mean my brother can be the most annoying person on the face of the earth, but I love him more than anything else in the world. If I had to go a day without his incessant chatter, I don't know what I'd do," Lovino cursed himself that there were tears in his eyes. Antonio wiped them away.

"I think that's beautiful."

"What? That we're close?" Lovino's brow knit as he looked in confusion at the man holding him.

"I think it's beautiful that you find the beauty in people," Antonio said softly.

"Oh," Lovino looked down and blushed. "See I want to be a doctor not just because the body is truly fascinating and I love science, but that I want to save people so that they can go back to their families who possibly didn't appreciate them enough or didn't realize how much they cared before. If my mom hadn't died, my life would be so different. It's because she died, that we were so poor so we learned to appreciate things. It's when I started learning about science and the body because I was at an age where I was curious and wanted to know why. It made us all realize how fragile life is and that you have to appreciate the people in your life and show them that you care and love them and let them know that they're loved. I think though that if she hadn't died, if she had been able to go the hospital and be saved, that we would have still realized that. I want people to realize that."

The two laid in silence, listening to each other's breathing. Lovino rested his head on Antonio's chest and listened to his heart. He tapped the rhythm against Toni's chest and closed his eyes. There was music added to that beat, the sound of the lungs pulling and pushing air in and out and the sound of the blood rushing through the vessels. He could hear the slight clicks of his intestines and the gurgle of his stomach. Lovino found himself lost in the music inside Antonio, the music that was inside everyone. He felt Antonio's hand run through his hair. He looked up, distracted now.

"What are you doing?" Antonio asked softly.

"Listening…listening to your inner music," Lovino glanced to side realizing how stupid that sounded once the words escaped his lips. Shit. His cheeks burned.

"Music?" Antonio smiled and shook his head in confusion.

"Here, lay your head on me. Close your eyes and listen to the beat of my heart, the rhythm of my lungs, the blood in my body and the sounds of my stomach and intestines working. It's the sound of being alive and it's beautiful, beautiful music, Tonio," Lovino smiled hoping that he hadn't sounded too lame. Antonio cocked his head to the side.

"You are such a nerd," he giggled, laying Lovino back. He kissed him before laying his head on Lovino. After a moment he sat up smiling at the boy. "I hear it, but I'm afraid I don't understand."

"I don't expect you to," Lovino sighed and sat up. Antonio pulled him into a kiss.

"I love that you love medicine and science and I love that you make it artsy," Antonio winked at him.

"It's not me making it artsy. It is a literal masterpiece. If you could see the inner working of the body like I do and see how perfectly designed everything is…if you could see the placement of everything. If only you knew the breathtaking beauty in life, Antonio, you would realize that biology is really just the study of living art. My brother likes to make art. I like to live it," Lovino's eyes danced with passion.

The look on Lovino's face made Antonio heart skip a beat. This kid, this man, he was something else. Antonio had never known someone with so much love and so much passion locked away inside. He could tell how much Lovino loved what he was studying and he wanted nothing more than to see him accomplish his dreams. Antonio fell in love with this boy right then and there.

"Let's get dressed and I'll cook us something to eat," Antonio smiled and kissed Lovino softly.

The men dressed and walked into the kitchen. Lovino jumped up on the counter to watch Antonio cook. He'd learned that the Spaniard loved to show off his culinary skilled. He refused to let anyone cook if he was around. Lovino rubbed his chest, wincing.

"Tonio, you need to be more careful. My nipples are fucking sore. My shirt is irritating them," Lovino complained with a frown.

"Okay, I didn't even do anything that would cause them to hurt and you seemed to like it when I did it," Antonio defended.

"Well yeah, but they fucking hurt, so stop," Lovino snapped.

"Whatever you want," Antonio winked at him with a smile as he went back to cooking. "How's your brother?"

"Um, he's okay." Lovino shifted. He felt so guilty that he had been spending his free time with Antonio, which almost always involved some sex. He felt as though he was abandoning his brother. "He starts chemo tomorrow. I'm going to go with him. Our dad can't go and Feli shouldn't go alone, you know? He's getting the most aggressive treatment they have. Usually they do the first bit of chemo in the hospital, like six to eight weeks is what his doctor said, but he hates the hospital and they agreed to let him do outpatient as long as his levels are okay. The second his white blood cell count drops below normal, he has to be in the hospital."

"That's nice. How's he holding up?"

"Strangely well, but I mean Feli's a really positive kid. He's the type to cry for five minutes before going off laughing about something. He doesn't dwell on things, so he lets things slide off him easily. It's really nice because I've yelled at him too many times and he gets sad for like a minute before hugging me and it's just annoyingly cute, you know?" Lovino smiled down at his feet. "I honestly don't know what I'd do without him."

"You and your brother sound so close," Antonio smiled.

"Well when you're all each other has, you kind of form a certain bond. I see siblings who didn't grow up the way we did who fight like crazy. I don't know if you've been around Alfred and Matthew together for very long, but it gets messy. I think if we'd grown up differently, we wouldn't be as close."

"How are you doing with everything?"

"Um…" Lovino bit his lip. He didn't even feel like he had a right to have emotions about this. Nobody should be asking him if he was okay. Feliciano was the one with cancer. "Okay. I'm worried. He's my little brother and probably the only person in the entire world I tell everything to. I don't censor with him. It's nice to have someone like that. They said the survival rate was about fifty-seven percent, but that's like…" Lovino's voice caught.

Antonio pulled him off the counter and into his arms. Lovino started sobbing into Antonio's chest. He didn't know why he was so emotional. Usually he could push his feelings to the side, but the past couple days he was feeling his emotions so strongly. It was almost overwhelming. He'd even cried over a stupid movie he watched last night.

"It's okay. I'm sure he'll be fine."

"Yeah. Shit, I don't know why I've been so emotional the past few days. You probably think I'm a fucking bitch."

"Not at all," Antonio smiled. "There's no shame in crying."

"Whatever…" Lovino muttered wiping the tears off his face and crossing his arms tightly against his chest.

Antonio finished cooking and set the plates on the table and the two ate making conversation. Lovino didn't say much. He just felt like crying. He didn't even know why. It was starting to piss him off. As Antonio cleared their plates to bring out desert, Lovino inhaled sharply, wincing at a sudden cramping in his abdomen near his pelvis. He hugged his stomach and leaned forward. It almost felt like bad gas pain, but was more spasm-like.

"Are you okay?" Antonio asked, eyes wide.

"I don't know! What the fuck did you do to me?" Lovino demanded. His anger had fully set in. He was embarrassed by how he was behaving, but even more so that he couldn't control it.

"I didn't do anything!" Antonio insisted. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know! It's your fault though. I don't know what you did, but this never happened before I started having sex. God, why don't they talk about what it's like after you lose your virginity? It sucks!"

"What are you talking about? It is sort of painful the first time going in, but then it's just kind of uncomfortable until you get used to it, but it's amazing."

"No, you idiota! That's not what I'm talking about!"

"What's been going on?" Antonio sat down and rubbed his arm.

"Well first my nipples started getting sore and are now darker than usual and then I started getting really emotional and now I'm having this annoying cramping. I want it to stop."

"That's not from sex…" Antonio said, knitting his brow. "I mean maybe the nipples, but I swear I don't do anything rough with you."

"Then what the hell did you do to me?" Lovino glared, teary-eyed.

"Nothing. I mean if you were a girl, I'd say it sounds like you're pregnant," Antonio chuckled.

Lovino intensified his glare and kicked him gently. Antonio laughed again grabbing the man's foot. "I'm a man!"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Don't kick me!" Antonio laughed. "Of course you're not pregnant."

"So what is it? Did this ever happen with anyone before?" Lovino hugged his knees.

"Just Emma when she and I were dating. She got pregnant, but lost the baby in a miscarriage at like seven weeks," Antonio said softly. He chewed his lip for a moment.

"I'm sorry," Lovino said, tears falling down his cheeks again. "That's so sad!"

"Lovi, Lovi, no! It wasn't sad. We were relieved. It was hell thinking that we'd have a kid in our twenties. Ew," Antonio made a face then smiled.

"But it's a baby and it died!"

"It wasn't even a fetus yet. It's far from a baby," Antonio comforted.

"We're Catholic, Antonio! It was a baby! You had a baby that died!" Lovino cried into his arms.

"Lovino, why are you so upset? It's got nothing to do with you and it happened a year and a half ago."

"I don't know! GODDAMMIT I TOLD YOU I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG! BUT IT'S YOUR FAULT! I DON'T KNOW HOW, BUT IT IS!" Lovino jumped to his feet and wiped his face roughly as he stormed toward the door.

"Lovino, wait! Where are you going? I'm sorry! I didn't mean to upset you!" Antonio ran after him. Lovino stopped and grabbed him in a tight hug. He kissed him gently and laid in the man's embrace before pushing him away.

"Don't fucking touch me!" Lovino glared and left. What was wrong with him? What was going on? Lovino didn't know, but he didn't like it. He finally made it into his car, taking a few breaths he drove home. He better be okay for tomorrow. He couldn't be like this around Feliciano, not when he was getting chemo.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thank you for reading. Please leave a review! <strong>_


	6. Chapter 6

_**Bonus chapter! I know I said I'd update twice a week, but I wanted to publish this early. **_

* * *

><p>Feliciano clung to Lovino's shirt as they walked into the children's hospital entrance. Lovino rubbed his arm and gave him a reassuring smile. He wasn't sure if his brother found comfort in the action, but he wanted to calm him down. He knew the boy was scared for his first round of chemo. They stepped into the elevators and Lovino hugged his brother tightly.<p>

"You'll be okay, Feliciano."

"I-I know," Feliciano stuttered out.

"Are you nervous?" Lovino asked softly, putting an arm around his younger brother's shoulders. He didn't like to show affection publicly, but never hesitated when the boy needed him.

"A little…" Feliciano tugged on this hoodie sleeves as he pulled away from the elder. His eyes were glued to the floor. Lovino wanted so badly to see Feli smile. It wasn't normal for him to look this way.

"You'll be okay, Feli," Lovino smiled gently, hugging him as the elevator took them to the cancer floor.

They checked in and they were led to a small room with a bed and TV. A nurse Lovino recognized as one of Antonio's friends that Matthew had brought over for a few minutes, drew blood work and instructed the two to have a seat while they waited. A Child Life worker, Tino, came in with a box of video games, a game system and some movies letting the boy know that he had things to do while he was receiving treatment. Feliciano sifted through the games and movies before deciding on a few and requested a board game. Tino promised him the game and left.

Feliciano sighed and hugged his knees as he sat on the bed. Lovino looked up from where he was sitting with his books in his lap. He hated seeing his brother in such a condition. He was used to the annoyingly talkative, smiling, adorable little brother he'd always known him to be. He couldn't remember a single time in the boy's life that he'd looked this nervous. He was used to be him getting his feelings hurt, of course, but not this. It was unnerving to say the least. Lovino set his books aside and sat across from Feliciano on the hospital bed.

"How's school going? Papa said you were making good grades. I bet that's exciting. I know how hard you have to work," Lovino smiled. Feliciano didn't even look at him. "Okay, no school. What about your friends? Are you going to hangout with them soon? You're so popular, Feli."

At that, Feliciano buried his face in his arms and began to cry. Lovino cursed under his breath and hugged his brother to him, rocking slightly trying to soothe him. Feliciano didn't respond to him verbally, but he turned his head to the side and stared at the wall as the tears slowed.

"Have you drawn anything lately? Or painted? I saw they're having an art show at my university in a few months. I can get you in for free. You'd love it. We can go to the art museum. We keep meaning to go, but I think you skipping school one day wouldn't hurt. If you need help catching up, I can help." Lovino frowned when Feliciano didn't say anything. He was beginning to worry. "Feliciano, what do you want do or talk about? I know you're scared, but that's not good for you. You can get through this and beat it. It's scary, but Papa and I and all your friends are here. What can I do to help you?"

"What are they going to do, Lovi?" Feliciano asked barely above a whisper after a few moments of silence.

"Hm?"

"I don't listen. I can't. I try to listen and I just get so scared. What are they doing? I don't know what they're doing!" Feliciano began to cry again as he trembled.

"The chemo today?" Lovino asked softly. Feliciano nodded. "Um, well they took your blood to make sure that your platelets and white blood cell counts were high enough for you to get chemo today. If they're too low you'll be at risk of bleeding and infection which is really bad because chemotherapy kills your immune system. Remember how they said you'll be in the hospital a lot later on? That's most likely from complications from the chemo. You'll get sick easily from the lowered immune system, plus many times chemo makes you not want to eat and fatigues you. You may feel ill or even throw up. The medicine they gave you are to prevent that and some of them were forms of chemo, so you already had some. If your labs are okay, Emma will go ahead and hook you up to the IVs with the three drugs they're giving you. It'll go into the port they implanted last week. It will take about 6 hours for your medication to finish. Emma will be taking your vital signs and making sure you don't have a bad reaction to the drug. Then you'll wait here for another thirty minutes to an hour before we get pizza." Lovino smiled at the end hoping the prospect of pizza would liven his little brother.

"Oh…" Feliciano laid back. "Will it hurt?"

"It shouldn't. You aren't getting stuck since you have the port. You might feel nauseous or throw up. You may even get dizzy or sleepy. It's okay though."

"Why does it do that?" Feli asked chewing his nail.

"Chemo is pretty much poison. It designed to kill the cancer cells, but it doesn't differentiate between the cancer and healthy cells, so it causes you to feel ill," Lovino said softly as he played with the sheets.

"Lovi?"

"Yeah?" Lovino asked looking up to find his brother staring at him.

"W-When...How l-l-long until my hair starts to fall out?" Feliciano asked with a shuddering voice.

"It depends. It could be next week, could be in a month. Everyone's different. It'll be okay. You can rock a beanie or something. I'll go bald with you if you want," Lovino suggested.

"No. No, don't. But I'm scared of what kids at school are going to say or think. I mean, I'm popular, Lovi, but not for the right reasons. I don't even think I have real friends," Feliciano wiped a tear from his eye. "I mean there's Timmy, but he's moved to Europe, but I don't think the others are really friends. If I'm nauseous and bald and my body's like radioactive…" Feliciano sniffed and sat up straight. "I have a life that is my own. It's separate from you and Papa, and I'm so scared to lose it."

"Okay, Feliciano, your lab work looked great. Are you ready?" Emmas asked as she walked in after knocking.

Feliciano nodded weakly. She had Lovino step out while she prepped everything since it was radioactive. She came out, rubbing her hands together with the foam letting Lovino know it was okay for him to go in. Lovino nodded and entered.

Feliciano was sitting crossed legged on the bed as poison streamed into his body. When Lovino got closer, he saw that he had acquired a sketch pad and was drawing. Lovino sat down and began working on a paper. He knew better than to interrupt Feliciano when he was working. He'd always lose his train of thought and get whiny. He wanted him relaxed. He needed to be.

About forty-five minutes into the treatment, Feliciano sat up suddenly. Lovino asked him if he was okay, but he didn't say anything as he dug his nails into his arms and clenched his jaw. Lovino moved his things aside and stood up.

"Feli…"

"I don't feel well…" Feliciano whimpered. "I think something's wrong! Why do I feel like this?" Tears began to fall down his face.

"What's wrong?" Lovino asked pushing the call light. He didn't know what was going on, but he wasn't about to risk it being life threatening.

"I...I feel like my stomach and intestines are twisting around. Why does it feel like this? I'm really cold too. What's happening, Lovino?" Feliciano begged as he rocked back and forth whimpering.

"It's just a side effect of the medicine. You're okay," Lovino assured him, brushing his hair back softly. It always calmed his brother down. A sinking feeling settled over him. What would calm him when it wasn't there? He hoped that the same motion would work.

Emma came in the room as Feliciano started vomiting into a blue bag he'd been given. Lovino didn't know what to do. He wasn't supposed to come into contact with any of his brother's body fluids for the first forty-eight hours after chemo, but he needed to comfort him. He shook his head and sat next to him as he wretched, an arm around his shoulders.

Emma gave Feliciano more medicine to help with vomiting, but it didn't work. He vomited more than once during the infusion, but ended up being so tired by the end that he fell asleep against Lovino. He held his brother and watched a movie. He wanted everything to rewind. He wanted Feli to be okay. He hoped that Feli's friends weren't fake like he had said. He knew Feliciano needed them.

The door opened and Roma walked in, his clothing still dusty from work. He ran a hand threw his hair as he walked over. Lovino offered a polite greeting before his father hugged him and sat on the foot of the bed, his eyes glued to his youngest.

"How's it going?" he asked softly.

"Not well. His body really hates the medicine. He's having breakthrough nausea, so they don't think they're going to completely control it. He threw up like four times already. He's tired himself out," Lovino informed his father sadly. He glanced at his brother and wanted to cry, but forced himself to remain stoic. Thankfully he was able to control his emotions during this whole thing.

Roma covered him mouth and rubbed it. Lovino saw tears in his eyes. He reached over and hugged his father. "I can't stand to have him be like this," Roma whispered before breaking down in sobs. "Did you know that his treatment is a hundred percent paid for? I just talked to this woman from the billing department. An anonymous donor is taking this cost. He'll even have a tutor to keep up in school that they provide."

"Oh wow, that's great," Lovino said, his eyes wide.

"Yeah. I was so worried we wouldn't be able to pay for it. I don't want him to die, Lovi. I just...I'd die if anything happened to the two of you. I love you both so much."

"We love you too," Lovino mumbled as Roma hugged him.

* * *

><p>Feliciano, Roma, and Lovino sat at the table of the pizza parlor Lovino had insisted on taking his family to. It was the first time he'd been able to. Roma usually refused, insisting that the boy save his money for something important. Of course he'd take Feli out for coffee and gelato in the past, but it the first family dinner out. Feli was resting his head on his arms. Roma rubbed his back, with a worried look on his face. The chemo really had taken a lot out of the usually cheerful and hyper boy.<p>

"Lovino, can I get pasta? Pizza doesn't feel right with my stomach feeling like this," Feliciano asked softly.

"Anything you want," Lovino smiled.

He ordered supreme pizza for himself and Roma and pasta with sauce on the side for his brother. Emma had told them pasta would be easy on his stomach, but to be careful with sauces. Feliciano had been relieved to hear that he was able to have his favorite food.

"How's work and school, Lovi?" Roma asked with a smile.

"It's good. Dr. Patel has been letting me shadow him if I transcribe his notes early enough. He's even taught me a few procedures and it's really exciting. He says he'll even write me a letter of recommendation for medical school. My applications are due for medical school by October first and I want to get them in as soon as possible. All I have left is the letters of recommendation and I'll send them in. I've already gone through the board at school and I've gotten approved for their letters. I should be getting the applications in about two weeks. I've schedule my MCAT for January third. I am so nervous," Lovino said, taking a deep breath and playing with his straw.

"You'll get in. You have a 4.0 in your junior year and that's on top of working twenty hours a week, shadowing and volunteering as well as helping your brother with his homework. I have no doubt you'll make it. I'm so proud of you," Roma smiled as he hugged his son tightly, kissing his temple.

"I hope you're right. It's all I've ever wanted."

"Lovi, you're the smartest person I've ever met and you love it. You should hurry up and become a doctor. If I still have cancer then, you're hired as my doctor," Feli smiled and sipped his water.

"Feliciano! Don't say such things!" Roma scolded. "Not even as a joke, do you hear me?"

"Yes, Papa." Feliciano glared at the table. "But it's just, why can't I talk about it? It's scary and I like to talk about it. It makes it less scary. Lovino explains things so well and I feel better. I just think I should talk about it if I need to."

"Feliciano."

Lovino stared at his brother. He had always let things slide of him, but he looked so tired and scared. Tears filled his eyes which he glued to his lap. He couldn't let anyone see him cry. He faked a yawn and rubbed his eyes with his sleeves.

"Are you okay?" Roma asked.

"Yes. I'm just tired. I've been studying all day."

"He really has! He talked to me about it when I needed a distraction. You're such a nerd, Lovi."

"Shut up," Lovino smirked, flinging water at him.

"You shut up," Feliciano laughed fling water back.

"I told you first." Lovino blew a straw packet at him.

"I'm your baby brother and I'm cute so…" Feliciano placed his hands under his chin and smiled sweetly.

"You're not that cute," Lovino rolled his eyes.

"Lovi!" Feliciano whined flipping napkins in his brother's direction.

"Feli!" Lovino mimicked.

"H2O is now H2No," Feliciano laughed as he put an ice cube down Lovino's shirt and laughed.

"Fuck! Feli, stop!" Lovino jumped up and the ice fell to the ground. Lovino's face broke into a devilish smile and Feliciano's eyes widened.

"I'm sorry. I love you. No, Lovi, no!" Feliciano squealed with laughter as Lovino put ice down his shirt.

"Boys!" Roma snapped, slapping the table. "We are not at home We are in a restaurant and you will behave!"

The boys muttered their apologies and began to eat their food as he came. Lovino and Feliciano kept looking at each other, making faces. Lovino would snicker and Feli would giggle. It was nice. Roma even had a smile on his face. For a moment, they were a normal family. They forgot that Feliciano was sick. They forgot that Roma was breaking his back to provide for them. They forgot that Lovino, despite living only forty minutes away rarely saw them much anymore. They forgot how rare meals with the three of them were.

Lovino's phone buzzed. He ignored it and continued to listen to Feliciano talk about some art exhibit in New York he'd heard about in school. It buzzed again. Roma looked at him.

"Answer your phone, Lovino."

"It's okay, Papa."

"Il mio passerotto, I know you. You don't keep a social life. It's either work or Matthew and either way it could be important. Don't be rude. Answer."

Lovino nodded and unlocked the phone to see Antonio had texted him a sweet text. He felt his cheeks warm and a smile form on his face. He sent a quick reply and looked up to see Roma and Feliciano smiling at him.

"What?" he asked.

"Who was that?" Roma asked. "I know that's not Matt or Dr. Patel."

"Nobody," Lovino muttered taking a sip of his water.

"Is it Toni?" Feliciano asked.

"It's _nobody_," Lovino hissed, giving his brother a warning look.

"Little Lovi's growing up, Papa," Feliciano cooed.

"Feli…" Lovino warned.

"He's seeing someone!" Feliciano said at the same time.

"Well I've never seen you smile like that. It reminds me of when I first started seeing your mother. If this girl can make you smile like that, keep her around. She's a keeper. Never refer to a lady you care about and who cares about you nobody, young man."

"Yes, Papa," Lovino almost whispered willing Feliciano to shut up. He didn't understand. Their father wouldn't be okay with him being gay. He'd had that talk.

"So her name is Toni? What's that short for? Of course that is a nickname. Nobody would name their daughter Toni," Roma inquired with a smile.

"Um..I...it's..it's, um, Antonio, I mean Antonia," Lovino said, his mouth suddenly dry.

"That's a lovely name. I hope I can meet her. You know I was worried you may have been a _finocchio_." Lovino flinched at the slur. "You never seemed interested in girls and you always had those beautiful girls around you and you never looked. I'm so relieved you found a nice girl."

"Yeah," Lovino muttered. Feliciano giggled and received a swift kick in the shin.

"Ow!"

"Shut up! Can you fucking shut up? Stop laughing about my love life. I don't think it's funny!" Lovino snapped, jumping up, tears filling his eyes.

"Lovi-"

"No! It's not your business and you need to learn to shut up! I told you in confidence. I wasn't ready for him to know! So don't you dare laugh at me!"

"Lovino, sit down," Roma ordered.

"No. I'm leaving. Fuck you, Feli. Like you'd ever understand."

Lovino threw cash on the table and stormed out of the restaurant. His body was trembling. How could Feliciano do that? He could have outed him. He couldn't take that. He brushed the tears off his face as he trembled trying to unlock the door. He hated lying to his father, but it wasn't the time. He felt someone's arms wrap around him. He turned to find a teary Feliciano hugging him.

"I'm sorry, Lovi! I wasn't laughing at you. I was laughing because I'm happy that you finally found someone and I'm sorry. I love you too much to let you go home angry at me," the boy cried.

"It's fine," Lovino muttered and hugged him. "I love you too. Go back inside. Tell Papa I'm sorry. I just got embarrassed."

"Okay. Be safe!" Feli kissed his brother's cheek and skipped inside. Lovino watched him and shook his head. Feli with his constant flow of girls would never understand.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN (translations): **_

_**The slur that Roma used is the equivalent of faggot in Italian. Il mio passerotto means my little sparrow and it's a term of endearment.**_

_**Please leave a review!**_


	7. Chapter 7

_**Sorry this is late. A lot of things came up. I didn't get a chance to proofread, but I'll do it in the morning. I'm too exhausted to do it tonight. Enjoy!**_

* * *

><p>Lovino rolled his eyes at yet another stupid text from that crazy Spaniard as a small smile played on his lips. He replied before going back to his studying. His phone buzzed a few minutes later with an unfamiliar number. He sighed. He hated getting random calls. He declined the call and went back to work. Again the phone started to buzz, the same number popping up. Maybe it was someone from school?<p>

"Hello?" Lovino answered, slightly annoyed.

"Lovi?" Feliciano's voice shook on the other line, almost desperate.

"Feli, what's wrong?" Lovino sat up suddenly.

"Nothing. I...I just feel sick. I need you to pick me up. I can't sign myself out and Papa won't call me out because if I don't stay here, I don't get to eat."

Lovino chewed his lip as he turned and walked toward his car. He'd been fearing this. Feliciano calling him knowing how far away he lived meant it was serious. His brother, for as whiny as he could be, never asked for Lovino to travel so far because he was sick. Something more was going on.

"Yeah, of course. I'm already on my way. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Okay. Grazie, fratellone!"

"Prego."

Lovino hung up his phone as he pulled on to the highway. He hoped and prayed the Feliciano hadn't gotten. He couldn't take an illness. Any bug he caught if his white counts were too low could be the nail in his untimely coffin. Lovino brushed a tear from his cheek. Feliciano had sounded so scared. He didn't sound sick.

His phone rang suddenly pulling him from his thoughts. He glanced down and saw that it was Antonio. The bastard never had better timing. Lovino answered.

"Pronto," he said softly.

"Lovi! Okay, so I was thinking that I can come over tonight and-"

"Feli's sick," Lovino cut him off with a hollow voice.

"Yeah. I know. Is there something else?" Antonio's voice was laced iwth concern.

"Um, I-I don't know. He just called me and he sounded so scared. I'm going to pick him up from school."

"What happened?"

"I don't fucking know! That's what's worrying me. He does this thing when things are particularly bad where he's crying and you know he's crying, but he's acting all cheerful. It scares me, Tonio. He says he's sick, but like I don't know!" Lovino took a deep breath as he willed himself not to cry.

"Oh…" Antonio hummed.

"Yeah," Lovino snapped. "Fuck! I just...I want him to be okay."

"He will be. Lovi, you can't get yourself so worked up over something you know nothing about. You're making up scenarios in your head and making yourself sick. Take a deep breath. It'll be okay. For all you know he just got embarrassed or something. He's what, fifteen?"

"Sixteen."

"He's sixteen. That's a terrible age. You remember it, don't you? I mean, you're so insecure. Add being ill on top of that and you have a major melt down on your hands. You said he hates that people acknowledge that he's sick, right? Perhaps he's got too much attention and he feels awkward. Just pick him up, don't let yourself worry, and enjoy time with your brother. You've been really emotional lately."

"Shut up! I am not emotional!" Lovino snapped.

"Fine, you're hanging your moods like a fashion model at a show. I'm just saying you need to calm down."

"Whatever…" Lovino glared at the road in front of him. "I have to go."

"I hope everything is okay with your brother, Lovi. Let me know if I can come over even if it's just to comfort you, okay? Like we don't have to do anything. We an just lay on the couch and pig out on ice cream if it makes you feel better."

"Yeah, okay. Ciao."

Lovino hung up as he pulled into the parking lot of the Feliciano's high school. He was shaking as he stepped out of his car and headed inside. He signed his brother out in the office and waited for Feliciano outside the office. His phone buzzed in his pocket. Antonio again.

Don't you worry your pretty little head! Feli will be great!

Lovino smiled and rolled his eyes. Antonio was still trying to cheer him up. What was it with this guy? Lovino replied with a smiley face and leaned against the wall, closing his eyes. What had he done to deserve such a caring person loving him?

I already bought the ice cream!

...Okay, no I didn't. I'm lying and I feel bad. :( I'll bring you some though.

OMG, FELICHANO CAN COME OVER AND I CAN MEET HIM!

Lovino couldn't help but smile. Antonio really was the sweetest. He found it endearing the way he was so eager to please. He would never admit it, except to maybe Feli, but he was falling for this man harder than he ever thought possible.

It's Feliciano. I think it's too early for that.

Aw, okay. :( I miss you, mi amor. I hope your brother is okay and I can see that tight little ass again. ;)

Lovino's cheek burned bright red as he read Antonio's text, a smile played on his lips. He was about to pocket his phone when a small bump against the side of his body pulled him back to reality. He found Feliciano stood next to him with a playful smile, his amber eyes twinkling as he looked at him from under the blue hood he had pulled over his head.

"What are you smiling about?" Feliciano asked.

"Nobody," Lovino muttered.

"The same nobody you're always texting? The same nobody that screws you almost every night?"

Lovino stared at his brother. Feliciano had always been so innocent. Of course he was sixteen and most sixteen year olds knew what sex was. He just wasn't used to his baby brother making such crude comments. It seemed almost wrong coming from his mouth. He didn't know how to respond. How did Feliciano know how often he was seeing Antonio? Lovino hadn't said anything to him about it.

"God, Feliciano, do not talk like that," Lovino snapped.

"What? You talk like that," Feliciano said putting his hands in his pockets as he hummed softly.

"Just...I don't like you talking that that way. It isn't you."

"Lovi, just because you're not used to it doesn't mean it's not me. I'm sixteen and I'm not a baby!" Feli pouted as he and Lovino walked toward the exit.

"Nobody said you were. Hey, what's wrong, huh? You had me worried sick, you little asshole. You're fine," Lovino shot his brother an annoyed glance.

"Um...I...I'll tell you later. I just want to leave. I don't feel well."

All signs of playfulness left the boy. He seemed defeated now. Lovino was suspicious as his brother stared at the ground as they walked side by side in unison. His head hung as he scuffed his feet against the tile every now and then. Lovino sighed. Feliciano was not a secretive person. Whatever this was, it was bad.

"Okay," Lovino said softly, rubbing his stomach slightly.

He was started to feel a bit nauseous. He wanted to hurry up and get to the car. He had water there. Perhaps all he needed to do was hydrate. Feliciano suddenly stopped walking, catching Lovino's attention. Lovino stopped and glanced at him.

"Are you okay?"

Feliciano grabbed Lovino in a tight hug, burying his face in the man's chest. Lovino froze for a moment before reluctantly hugging his brother back. Feli was sick even if this wasn't a safe place for him to show affection to him. What could they do to him? Feliciano wasn't going to face any trouble from it.

Just as quickly as their hug began, it ended. Feliciano pulled away, his hands once again in his hoodie pockets. He strolled toward Lovino's old black Kia and looked back at Lovino to queue him to unlock the doors. Lovino sighed, confused and worried as he pressed the button on his keychain.

"So where are we going, Feli? Our house? My apartment? Lunch? The park?" Lovino asked as he slammed his door closed and pulled his seatbelt on.

"Can we go to the store? Like one that sales clothing and hair stuff? I want to get some things," Feliciano smiled.

"Okay, but I really want to know what's going on. You keep saying you don't feel well, but you don't seem ill."

"I never feel well anymore, Lovi. I just...it's different today. I'll tell you when we get to the store, okay? I just don't want to talk right now. I'm tired."

Feliciano pulled his feet up to rest on the dashboard before hugging his hood around him, closing his eyes and facing toward the window. It was so strange. If Lovino didn't know any better, he'd say Feliciano was skipping school and he was helping. Part of him loved the idea, while another part felt a sick, sinking feeling.

They drove with Lovino's music playing. Feliciano slept the entire way there. Lovino pulled into a parking spot and nudged his little brother. Feli jumped and gave a sleepy smile before he straightened up in his seat.

"We're here already? Wow…" Feli laughed gently and pulled on his sleeves shifting slightly.

"So what's up? You told you'd tell me what's making you feel badly when we go here and we're here now, so what's going on?" Lovino asked resting his chin in his hand. He was feeling a bit more nauseous now and the fatigue that had seized his body a few weeks ago just a few days after he'd first had that slight cramping start.

"Um...okay. I knew, um…" Feliciano trailed off, his body suddenly tense as he fidgeted in his seat before he slowly ran a hand over his head and held it out to his brother.

Lovino stared in shock at the chunk of auburn hair in his brother's hand. His eyes widened and he paled a shade lighter. He slowly raised his eyes to meet Feliciano's. Tears were already in those large amber eyes. Lovino slowly shook his head as tears welled in his eyes.

"Shit…" he whispered before quickly grabbing his brother into a hug.

He allowed Feliciano to sob into his chest for a moment as he rubbed his back. Lovino felt his stomach turning. Both boys had always taken a certain amount of pride in their appearance. He couldn't imagine being sixteen and having no control over how dramatically your appearance changes. The chemo was already doing it's damage on the boy's body.

Lovino remembered high school so clearly. If you didn't have the right look, you could lose friends and not be invited to certain things. Lovino had never cared much about his social status, but he knew Feliciano loved being the center of attention and his high social standing seemed to be make him happy. Lovino had never understood the allure of being popular and going to parties. He couldn't help but wonder what the impact would be on Feliciano.

Feliciano pulled away, wiping the tears from his eyes. He offered a smile. "It happened in the middle of class when I woke up. Everyone was staring and whispering and I didn't know why until finally someone told me it was okay to put my hood on. I want to shave it all off now. I can't stand for it to fall out slowly."

"Yeah, of course. We'll get you a few beanies and you'll look so nice," Lovino comforted.

They got out of the car and made their way to the store. Feliciano picked a few beanies and got supplies to shave his head. They made their way home when Lovino couldn't take his craving anymore, despite how disgusted with himself. He pulled off the highway and into a burger place's parking lot. Feliciano glanced at him.

"Um, Lovi, why are we here?" Feli asked.

"I really, really want a burger," Lovino mumbled.

"Why?" Feliciano said slowly, scrunching his face.

"I just do! I don't….I don't know. I've been feeling strange lately. It's Antonio's fault. I don't know what he did, but he did something and now I just feel weird. I don't know why," Lovino informed his younger brother as he pulled into the drive-thru. "You want something?"

"Ew!" Feliciano scrunched his face.

"You need to eat something."

"Fine. Um. maybe a vanilla shake. I'm not really hungry."

Lovino ordered the food before driving home. Lovino scarfed his meal down as though he hadn't eaten in years. Feli watched with a horrified look as he sipped on his shake. He threw up most of what he ingested, resulting in Feliciano crying about never being able to keep anything down.

They set up a chair on the back porch. Feliciano sat down, taking a few deep breaths before removing his hoodie and shirt. Lovino buzzed the semi-long hair off the boy's head before proceeding to shave the remaining stubble. He handed his brother a mirror.

"You have a nice head, fortunately for you.," Lovino smiled.

"I look good," Feli forced a smile and hugged Lovino. "Thank you for helping me, fratellone! I love you!"

"Yeah, I love you too."

"I hope the birds can use my old hair in their nests for their babies. Did you know they do that?" Feli asked as he followed his brother inside.

"Yeah.." Lovino muttered. He felt unbelievably tired. They went to their room and fell asleep.

* * *

><p>Feliciano and Lovino were laying in their bed laughing and joking around when the sounds of their father coming home filled the house. Feliciano's smiled dropped. He had yet to put on beanie. He liked the feeling of the hair on his skin. He wanted to let it breath for a while. He wanted to get used to it. It was likely going to be at least a few years before he had hair again. He hadn't warned their father.<p>

"Lovi, can you tell him? I don't want to shock him," Feli asked, his voice scared.

"Yeah, sure."

Lovino stood up to let his father know what was going on when the door opened. Roma's face fell when his eyes fell on Feliciano's hairless head. The brown paper bag from the store he was holding fell from his arms and them an fell against the wall.

"Papa, are you okay?" Lovino asked rushing to him.

"I'm fine. Feliciano…"

Roma stood up and pushed past his older son to the younger. He took him in a tight hug and sobbed. He, like Lovino, had known that the boy was sick, but seeing him with the dramatic effect of the chemotherapy made it all too real, too terrifying.

"It's okay, Papa!" Feli said cheerfully hugging the man back. "Don't cry. I know I'm just so pretty."

Roma laughed through his tears and kissed his son's cheek. "Lovino, come here." Roma pulled his other son into a tight hug and kissed him. "We're family. We'll get through this. I love you both more than anything in the world. Nothing will make me stop loving you. I want you both to know that."

"Yes, Papa," Lovino promised.

"I know!" Feli smiled.

Roma went to the bags and pulled out a chocolate bar for each of his sons. The boys took it generously. As Lovino nibbled on his chocolate, he wondered what would happen if he came out to his father right there. Did he know? Why else would he had said that he wouldn't ever stop loving them? He decided against it. Roma was too upset over Feli. Feli needed the attention, not him.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Thank you for reading. Please leave a review.<em>**


	8. Chapter 8

_**And we're back on schedule!**_

* * *

><p>Lovino rubbed his eyes and sighed. He didn't know why he kept feeling so exhausted the past month. Nor could he find any culprit for the almost constant nausea and the occasional vomiting that recently began. There was also the occasional cramping. It never really hurt much, just a slight discomfort in his pelvis. He felt so weird and he didn't like it.<p>

"Lovi, do you want to take a nap?" Lovino looked up from his chair next to their father to see Feli patting the bed next to him.

"Thanks, Feli, but I don't know if I'm sick or not and I don't want you to get worse," Lovino muttered. He was so tired. Roma put an arm around him and hugged him close.

"You've been working hard at school. You can nap on me, passerotto," Lovino smiled at the nickname and snuggled into his father. He was asleep as soon as he closed his eyes, comforted by his father's voice talking to Feli and the familiar scent.

Lovino was shaken awake gently to find that Feliciano was sleeping. Roma smiled at him with a tired expression. Lovino yawned and stretched before seating himself upright.

"Lovi, you need to go get your blood tested. Feli isn't really doing well and he needs a blood transfusion. They don't have much of his blood type at the hospital and they've ordered some, but it hasn't showed up yet."

"What's wrong? Of course I'll go," Lovino stood up with a worried expression on his face and tears welling in his eyes. _Why am I so emotional lately?_ Lovino hated how easily things had been getting to him. He needed to stay calm. Roma was already stressed and worried. Feli was scared. They looked to him.

"The chemo has just made him very anemic. The medicine is interfering with the development of the new blood, so it's a lot slower than it should be. It's nothing major. He just needs blood," Roma hugged Lovino. His father's brows knitted in concern. "Are you okay, Lovi? You're not yourself. Don't stress too much about your classes, amore. I couldn't take it if you both were sick. You two are vita mia, il luce miei occhi," Roma kissed his son's cheek.

"I'm sorry, Papa. I'm okay. I've just been tired and nauseous lately. You're right about the stress though. I'll try to take it as easy as possible. I'm going to go find someone to get my blood drawn. I'll be back," Lovino said before kissing his father's cheeks and leaving the room to go let the nurse's station know that he was ready.

He was led to a small procedure room near the lab where they took a drop of his blood for testing. After finding he had the same blood type as his brother, Lovino was slightly relieved, though he'd expected it. He could help out Feliciano.

"I've been nauseous and really tired lately. I think it's just stress, but I know Feli can't really fight much off right now," Lovino fiddled with the end of his shirt, "I've even vomited a few times."

"We'll take a blood sample then and run a few tests before we take your blood, okay?" Lovino agreed and watched as they took a couple vials of blood before he was asked all of his symptoms to narrow down the tests. He went back to Feli's room, sat on the floor and hugged his knees, resting his head on them. He just wanted this feeling to be over. He wanted to be over whatever was causing this overwhelming fatigue and nausea.

"Il mio passerotto, stei bene," Roma rubbed his eldest son's back.

"Si, Papa," Lovino offered a smile to his father. Roma didn't look convinced.

"Lovi, I'm starting to worry about you. You haven't been sick since you were a kid," He placed a hand on his son's forehead.

"No, Papa. I'm okay. It may be a cold or something, but it is probably stress. I have had so many tests and papers. Then work at the hospital and shadowing. Now I'm worried about Feliciano. I just need to do some stress relief," Lovino smiled as he brushed his hair back and looked sleepily at his father.

"You know I have always been so impressed by you, Lovi. When your mother died, I was a mess. You took care of your brother. You were only seven and you took care of him while I sifted through every last cent we had to pay for your mother's funeral and I realized that I didn't have a penny left to my name. I had these two little boys and I had nothing. You had put Feliciano to bed and you came in my room and you comforted me. You were seven and you had lost your mother and you were comforting _me_. You were telling me that you overheard me on the phone with your zia and that we didn't need money to be happy. You are such a kind and caring boy. It hurts me to see you act so cold to people."

"Papa, I actually have something to tell you. There's a reason I do that," Lovino's heart starting pounding. He was going to do this. He was going to tell his dad everything. There was nobody left to tell that mattered. He prepared for the worst.

"Oh, I know," Roma grinned. "There's a reason for everything you do. You're so logical. There's no need to be scared."

"Papa…Papa, I'm-"

"Mr. Vargas?" The girl from the lab had come into the room with an unreadable expression.

Lovino's cursed mentally. He had been gathering the courage to come out to his father. He finally had the moment and it was lost.

"Yes?" Roma stood up.

"No, I meant your son, Lovino."

Roma glanced at Lovino then back at the woman. "Is everything okay?"

"Nothing to worry about, sir. I just need to speak to Lovino," her voice was firm.

"Well go on, Lovino," Roma said. "We can finish this talk when you get back."

Lovino followed the woman to an exam room. A doctor was in the room with a machine that Lovino had never seen before. He blinked feeling a rising panic. What was going on?

"Lovino, I'm Dr. Erwin. I need to ask you a few questions," his voice was professional and distant.

"Uh…okay," Lovino looked around.

"Please have a seat," he gestured to the exam table. Lovino went slowly over and sat down. "Have you noticed any changes in your testicles? Any pain, swelling or lumps?"

"What? No…why?" Lovino glanced between the doctor and the nurse.

"We have in our charts that you have experienced fatigue and nausea both with and without vomiting for the last two weeks. Have you had any tenderness to your nipples, noticed yourself urinating more than normal, food cravings, any smells that you cause the nausea to come or worsen?" The doctor's face remained blank as he waited for Lovino to answer.

"Um…yeah. I guess I have pee a lot and I've started kind of wanting McDonald's which is weird because I hate that place. Um, cigarette smoke makes it worse…and coffee. But I love coffee. I guess my chest has been a little tender, but I just thought it had to with…" Lovino trailed off not wanting to talk about his sex life.

"Mr. Vargas have you had intercourse with another man? You being the receiving partner?"

Lovino stared wide-eyed. What had they found? "I…I…Yes," his voice was barely above a whisper.

"Lovino, when we tested your blood you tested positive for high levels of hCG. That stands for human chorionic hormone. It is the hormone that is typically released by the placenta during pregnancy. That tells us that you either have testicular cancer and require follow up or you are pregnant. There is a small percentage of men who are born with internal female reproductive organs that are able to become pregnant, however it is not known until a pregnancy occurs. The cervix opens in the anal-rectal cavity for an exit for the child. Unless anal penetration occurs, this is not possible. Men with your condition do not experience month periods with bleeding due to the higher levels of testosterone in the male body. Based on your symptoms, I am leaning more toward pregnancy."

"What?" Lovino whispered as tears filled his eyes. "That…That doesn't…" he shook his head. This wasn't possible. It wasn't happening. Antonio always wore a condom. He couldn't be pregnant. This thing with Antonio was supposed to not interfere with his plans. His future was supposed to be secure and only dependent on himself. He couldn't have a child. It couldn't be true.

"If you'd allow, I'd like to do an ultrasound to confirm."

"I…yeah…I…I…I g-guess," Lovino stammered out as tears filled his eyes and fear overtook his body. How could this be happening? No, they were going to find out that everything was okay. They were wrong. He couldn't get upset now. He was just going to laugh when they finished. He kept telling himself this as jelly was placed on his abdomen and a wand was placed firmly. The sound of blood rushing filled the room, then the sound of his heart beat in the artery, then something else…something…a fast, impossibly fast noise.

"There it is. I'm sure this is a shock to you, but we can assure you that you're going to be just fine. Your options are the same as a woman in this situation. From the looks of things, I'd say about 6-8 weeks, though we can't get a proper dating for another few weeks," the physician looked at Lovino with a look finally of something other than neutrality. This was of compassion.

Lovino could do nothing more than stare at the wand on his stomach. Panic was rising in him. He didn't even hear anything he was being told. He couldn't think. It was as though his limbs were paralyzed. His heart was racing. There was a fire in his chest as his vision turned black. He suddenly began coughing and gasping for hair. He had been holding his breath he realized. He calmed after a few minutes.

When Lovino was allowed to go back to his brother's room, all he could think was to get to his brother who would help him make sense of this. He walked in slowly; it was as if he were trying to run through water. Feliciano was sitting in the bed watching the television.

"Ciao, Lovi! I'm watching this really funny show. I think you would like it," Feli was cheerful as usual.

"Ciao," Lovino glanced around the room. "Where's Papa?"

"He left to get pizza," Feli smiled without looking away from the show he was watching.

"Oh." Lovino took a few gasping breaths before falling against the wall and collapsing in sobs. He needed his dad. He would help him. He could make him feel better.

"Fratello! Lovino, what's wrong?" Feli gasped, frantic. He had never seen his brother like this. "Lovino, I can't get up and hug you, so please come here."

Lovino couldn't have stood up at that point if he had tried. He couldn't do this. How could he tell Antonio? What would he do? He was twenty-six. Why would he ever want to be attached to twenty year old? He was too young for Antonio. He was so stupid. How could he have ever thought this was a good idea? He should have never let him in that night. He should have continued to pretend to hate him.

After a few minutes he calmed down enough to run to Feli and bury his face in his brother's shoulder as he sobbed. He gripped his brother shirt until his sobs were gone and he was left with only tears. "I match your blood."

"Oh, good! That means that I can get out sooner! Wait…why are you crying? Are you scared of needles, Lovino? I didn't know that! You don't have to do it if you are scared. I don't want you to be scared," Feli rambled frantically.

"I can't give you any blood though," Lovino's voice was empty and hollow. He barely recognized it himself.

"Why not?"

"Remember what I told you, Feli?"

"You tell me a lot, Lovi," Feli's voice was nervous, but soothing.

"That I'm gay. And that I had sex. I'm pretty sure I'm in love with a chef who is stable and secure in his life and just has everything together. How he makes me feel like for once the world isn't such a chaotic place. Antonio," Lovino hugged his knees to his chest.

"Si, I remember. He sounds nice."

"He is. He's…he's everything. Feli…Feliciano, I can't give you blood because…" Lovino couldn't bring himself to say the word. He was a man. This wasn't supposed to happen to men.

"Because why? What does that have to…oooh, do you have something?"

"No, god, no. I can't say it," Lovino brushed the tears from his face.

"Can you write it?" Feli suggested.

"I can try." Lovino pulled out his phone and opened up the notepad app and typed the message before sliding it to his little brother.

"YOU'RE PREGNANT? BUT HOW? MY BROTHER IS GOING TO BE A MOMMY?"

"Shut up, Feli!" Lovino snapped ripping the phone from his brother's hand, glaring. "I'm a guy. Of course I'm not going to be mommy. I'm going to be Papa, duh."

"But you have to grow the bambino inside you and push it out and…" Feliciano's eyes got huge. "Wait…how does it come out?"

"The same way it went in, idiota," Lovino didn't even want to think about that.

"That's going to hurt," Feli observed.

"Duh," Lovino rolled his tearful eyes. "I know that. Why don't you learn to shut the fuck up and let me talk to you, Feliciano?"

"Be nice to me! It's not my fault you're pregnant. Control your pregnancy hormones." Feliciano joked.

"Pregnancy…what?" Roma was standing in the doorway with a box of pizza held in his hand as he stared at his two sons. "Lovino…Lovino, please tell me I heard wrong. You didn't...you didn't get that girl pregnant."

"No, Papa. I didn't get anyone pregnant." Roma sighed in relief. "I am," he whispered staring at his shoes, "I'm the one who's pregnant."

"But how is that possible, Lovino? Is this what you were going to tell me?" Roma's voice was firm and unwavering. Both of the boys were nervous. They had never heard Roma speak this way before.

"No, Papa," Lovino whispered

"Then what?" Roma growled tossing the box of pizza on a chair.

"I…I was going to…I…I'm gay," Lovino flinched at the word. Roma stared at him. "And I am sort of seeing someone and we've had sex which is how…some men can do this and—"

"Feliciano, are you hungry?" Roma cut Lovino off. "I got your favorite."

Lovino was confused. Roma hadn't reacted the way he planned. Maybe this would be okay. Lovino let his breath out. The family ate as Feli rambled on. Roma wouldn't look at Lovino. The boy figured that Roma was just shocked.

Lovino had to go back to school, so he bid them both farewell. Roma refused to say a word to him nor did he hug him back, causing Lovino to be hurt. He brushed it off and talked to Feliciano who didn't want him to go. He asked him to tell Antonio and Matt he said hello and that he keep him updated on the baby. Lovino promised he would before leaving.

The drive was long, but he finally made it home. Matt was sitting on the couch when he walked through the front door. Lovino offered a mumbled greeting and ignored the man's questions on how his brother was and what was bothering him. Lovino showered before crawling into bed. He jumped as his phone rang.

"Pronto, Papa!" Lovino was so happy that his father was finally going to talk to him.

"Feliciano's dead and it's your fault."

"W-What?" Lovino whispered, the blood draining from his body.

"I didn't want to say this in front of him ealier because he couldn't afford to be upset. He was so upset when you left that you were doing things that you were didn't understand how his big brother could do this. It was too much for him. His heart gave out."

"What? No...no, Feli...Feli knew. I just...I just saw him. I…"

"You are a disgrace to me and this family. You know, I'm happy that your mother is gone so she doesn't have to see this disgusting being that her son has become. She did not go through that for this. It is an abomination! You are bein punished by the Lord for what you have been doing. The devil crawled into your bed and fucked you and impregnated you with a demon. I can't even begin to tell you how much this makes me sick. You are dead to me. And that unnatural child that you are caring is a product of sin and is just as filthy as you are. You are dead to me. It's less painful than this. You aren't my son. My Lovino, my sweet, precious Lovino would not do this."

The phone came down hard in Lovino's ear. He stared at his phone in disbelief before the slow realization just happened. Feliciano...dead...he couldn't be. No. It wasn't true. Why would Roma lie? He was alone. He didn't have a family. If Roma reacted like that, then there was no way Antonio would ever accept it. Neither would he be allowed at his brother's funeral? The thoughts spun around his head and pulled at him. He couldn't do this alone.

Lovino needed to make his spinning mind shut up. He ran to his bathroom and started rummaging through everything. The blades on his razor weren't large enough to be fatal. None of the pills in his cabinet were toxic. He went to his desk and started throwing things out without finding anything he felt to be lethal enough. _I could hang myself. No, that'd take too long._ He suddenly found a protractor with a very sharp point. He began to push the tip in the skin of his arm. It would all stop soon.

"Lovino? Lovino, are you okay?" Matt called from the other side of the door.

_Go away! Go away! You're ruining everything!_

The door opened and Matt looked in horror around the mess of the room. He blinked and stared at the sobbing Lovino next to the dresser, blood running down his arm. Matt walked over to him and knelt down hugging him.

"Are you okay, Lovi?" He grabbed his arm and sighed in relief that it was superficial.

"Leave me alone," Lovino sobbed in a whisper.

"No. You're not in any state to be alone," Matthew rocked back and forth. "I'm going stay up all night to make sure you don't do something you'll regret. Talk to me, Lovino."

"I can't. Oh, god, I can't," Lovino said hysterically as he hyperventilated.

"You'll be okay. Everything will be okay," Matthew reassured him.

_No, it won't! Nothing will ever be okay again!_

* * *

><p><strong><em>Thank you for reading. Please leave a review.<em>**

**_Translations: _**

**_passerotto - little sparrow_**

**_vita mia, il luce miei occhi - my life, the light of my eye_**

**_Il mio passerotto, stei bene - my little sparrow, are you okay_**


	9. Chapter 9

_**Sorry this was late. I have been writing and rewriting this chapter, so I hope you like it.**_

* * *

><p>Lovino woke up to the sound of birds chirping. He sat up and noticed his door was open. Matthew was sleeping in the hall on his mattress that Lovino could see he'd pulled from his bed. The bedroom was a mess. Things were still thrown around after Lovino's meltdown the night before. Lovino remembered it all too well. He'd cried himself to sleep, refusing to speak to Matthew, as his friend had laid next to him and rubbed his back. Tears filled Lovino's eyes. He glanced at the cut on his arm and shook his head at how superficial it was. He wanted to try again. He <em>had<em> to. Feli was dead. He was dead to his father. What did he have to live for? _Maybe the conversation had been a dream..._

His stomach twisted causing him to run to the bathroom and puke. He flushed the toilet and sat back. _He was pregnant._ Despite having heard it the night before, it hadn't sunk in until that moment. He placed a hand on his lower abdomen, rubbing it gently with his thumb. All thoughts of hurting himself left his head. New tears formed in his eyes. He felt a strange, warm feeling fill his body. He almost laughed from it. If he didn't know better, he'd say he was...happy? Love? He wasn't sure.

"We'll be okay," he whispered, a small smile on his face.

A knock on the door pulled him from his thoughts. He stood up and opened to find Matthew rubbing his eyes sleepily, his glasses pushed up on his head. Lovino threw his arms around him.

"Thank you, Mattie."

"What are friends for?" Matthew smiled. "Are you okay? You were really upset last night."

"Um…" Lovino glanced away. He didn't want to talk about that right now. "I don't know. I will be."

"Okay. Are you sick? I thought I heard you puke."

"I'm just...nauseous," Lovino muttered. He couldn't tell anyone else until he told Antonio, but he wasn't sure that he could. Matthew studied him for a moment before nodding.

"I'll go make breakfast. You should shower and get dressed. I'm giving you thirty minutes until I come check on you, Don't try anything, Lovino."

"Okay. I promise, you don't have to worry. I can't do that now," Lovino crossed his arms protectively over his lower stomach.

It was so strange to him how he was feeling this way so suddenly. He was still scared out of his mind and the thought that he'd lost his family was still extremely painful, but a part of him was already attached to his child. He was also hoping that it had been a dream or that his father had just been initially angry. He'd turn around, right? Especially at the prospect of a grandchild.

"Okay. I'm assuming you're not going to come running with me this morning, so I'm going to wait for my brother or Antonio to come over before I go. I don't want to leave you alone."

"I…" Lovino chewed his lip. He'd gone running either every morning or every afternoon since he was in high school, but he wasn't sure if he could anymore. He wasn't sure if he wanted to . "Yeah, I'm not feeling up to going. You don't have to wait. Go on. I'm fine. I promise."

"Lovino, you had a compass to your arm last night. I'm not leaving you alone. Now go shower and get dressed. I'm not letting your mope either. We'll talk later."

Matthew walked out of the room and Lovino sighed. He got undressed and looked at himself in the mirror. He tried to imagine himself with a large belly. He even took a deep breath and arched his back to get an idea. He relaxed and sighed. He rubbed his stomach with a small smile. How did he already love his baby this much? It almost numbed the pain and fear.

Lovino showered and got dressed quickly. He was just about to leave his room when his phone rang. The number was blocked. Lovino sighed and answered.

"Hello?"

"Lovi?!" the voice cried shock.

"Feli?!" Lovino's eyes widened as he sank down to his bed. "Are you…?"

"I'm so happy you're alive!" Feliciano cried. "I thought you were hurt or dead! Papa said you got in a crash and I couldn't see you or talk to you anymore. I called just wanting to hear your voice message because I like to hear you talk when I'm sad since you used to tell me stories when I was sad, and I wasn't expecting you."

"I'm okay. I'm so good right now. Fuck…" Lovino pinched the bridge of his nose to keep from crying. "I thought...I thought you died."

"What? Why would I be…" Feliciano gasped. "Papa lied to us! Why?"

"Because...because I'm gay and I'm having a baby," Lovino whispered.

"Okay...but what's wrong with that?" Feli asked.

"I-I-I don't know," Lovino said quietly. "I mean, I'm really scared to have a baby. I didn't want to have a baby, but Feli?"

"Yeah?"

"I really love my baby. I woke up this morning and, like, it's strange because last night I was so sad, but this morning when I remembered there was a baby…"

"Aw, you already have mommy instincts! My big brother is so cute!"

"I guess I do…" Lovino muttered picking at the blanket.

"Are you going to tell Antonio?"

"Um...that's kind of one of the things I'm scared about." Lovino hugged his knees. "He kind of made it clear he's not wanting kids for like another ten years."

"Lovino, if he really didn't want kids that badly, he wouldn't be having sex so much," Feliciano said, in one of the rare moments that reminded Lovino that his little brother was in fact sixteen and not a child.

"You don't usually expect your boyfriend to get pregnant."

"So he's your boyfriend now?" Feli giggled.

"No, but...I don't know. I don't want to label it, but…"

"I understand. I personally don't understand all of that. Romantic feelings are just so...strange. I don't know. It's messy and complicated. But if you feel that way, go ahead and make a move. Just because I don't feel that way, doesn't mean you do."

"Lovino, are you okay?" Matthew asked, poking his head into the room.

"Yeah. I'm talking to my brother," Lovino replied with a smile on his lips.

"Okay."

Lovino turned back to the conversation. "Sorry, Matthew was checking on me."

"Aw, I love Matthew! Why was he doing that?"

"I just wasn't well last night."

"Oh, are you better this morning?"

"Yeah."

"Awesome! Okay, so I think we definitely need to get back at Papa. That was so mean! I can't wait for the baby. I'm going to be a zio and my big brother's going to be a mommy!"

"Papa," Lovino corrected.

"Whatever. So can you come to my hospital room later? We can totally surprise him!" Feli giggled.

"Sure. I have to go though. I love you, Feli. I don't say it often though, so you better listen good and not make a big deal," Lovino huffed.

"Okay! I love you too, big brother. I'll see you soon! Ciao!"

"Ciao."

Lovino hung up the phone and sigh happily, a huge grin on his face. Feliciano was okay. He fixed his hair in an attempt to look nice for when Antonio got there. He paused. Since when did dress up for him? Lovino chewed his lip as fear welled inside him. He was getting to emotionally invested. That was the only explanation.

He set a hand on his stomach and looked at himself. What would happen when he told Antonio? If the man rejected him, would he be able to deal with it? He swallowed hard. Could he do this alone? He took a deep breath and braced himself on his dresser.

"What am I supposed to do, bambino?"

A wave of nausea met him. He rolled his eyes and walked out of his room. He was getting tired of feeling so sick. How long was it supposed to last? He didn't know what he'd do if this went on for the next thirty or so weeks. He plopped on the couch and hugged his knees to his chest as all his emotions washed over him. Fear, pain, love, happiness, excitement, sadness...it was all so confusing. He didn't know how he truly felt for the first time in his life.

He picked at the eggs and pancakes Matthew made him. The smell of the eggs alone was getting to him. He tried to keep them away from the pancakes, but when he accidentally got a mouth of eggs with his pancakes, his stomach protested. He ran to the sink and let it go.

"Lovino, are you okay?"

"I'm just sick," Lovino mumbled. _I bet Antonio's eggs wouldn't make me sick_. Lovino shook his head at the thought. Where had that come from?

Matthew stared at him a few moments, searching his face for something before sighing. He commanded Lovino to sit on the couch and watch television while he cleaned the dishes. He gave him some ginger tea to settle his stomach and some broth and crackers. Lovino ate slowly as he half watched the movie. He needed to look up what to avoid. He was not fond of this stupid morning sickness.

A knock on the door tore him from his thoughts. He sighed. It was probably Alfred. He was always losing his key. Lovino went to set his cup down only to have Matthew stop him. He opened the door and stepped back to let Antonio in. Matthew muttered something to him and handed him a cup. Antonio glanced at Lovino with a slight frown, before his face softened into a smile. He glided over to where Lovino was on the couch and sat down next to him pushing the cup into his hands.

"Matthew says you need to drink more of this stuff for your stomach. Are you okay? Matt told me you had a pretty rough night and have been pukey this morning. What happened?" Antonio brushed Lovino's hair back.

"Um...I...I came out to my dad last night…" Lovino mumbled sitting up, staring at his tea.

"Oh, how'd it go?"

"Not...not well," Lovino cursed himself as tear fell down his cheeks. "Tonio, I don't have a family anymore."

"What?" Antonio gasped.

"He doesn't want Feli and I contacting anymore," Lovino left out that his father had technically told him his brother died. "He hates me."

"Sweetheart…" Antonio looked like he was about to cry himself.

He took the tea from Lovino and pulled him into his arms and laid back. Lovino gripped onto the front of Antonio's shirt as he allowed himself to sob into his chest. Something about the way Antonio's cologne smelled calmed him and caused his nausea to subside. Antonio running his fingers through the younger man's hair and the other hand rubbing Lovino's back was soothing. Lovino felt himself drifting off to sleep.

* * *

><p>Lovino woke up to Alfred yelling at the video game he was playing with Matthew. It looked like he was getting his butt kicked. Antonio was still holding him, laughing at Alfred.<p>

"You're so bad at this game, Alfie! I thought you said you were a natural?"

"I am! Matthew is cheating!" the boy protested.

"I'm not. You just suck," Matthew said nonchalantly.

Lovino sat up and smiled as Antonio kissed him gently. He hugged his neck and buried his face in his shoulder. He didn't even care that Alfred and Matthew were in the same room. Ordinarily he would have, but something in him had changed in the past two weeks. He'd wanted to be around him all the time. He hadn't cared who was around to see. It was so odd to Lovino, but he figured now that it had to do with being pregnant.

"How are you feeling?" Antonio asked.

"Still kind of nauseous. I think it's going to be that way though...for a while."

"Why do you say that?" Antonio laughed, his green eyes sparkling.

"Um...I just do…" Lovino mumbled playing with his sleeve.

"Finals? You put so much stress on yourself, Lovi. Dios mio, you need to relax. I'm going to make you some chicken noodle soup."

Antonio stood up and pulled Lovino behind him as they walked through the the living room, avoiding bothering the other two men in the room. Lovino was surprised when Antonio led him to his bedroom. Antonio sat the boy on the bed and grabbed the desk chair to face Lovino.

"So tell me, are you actually sick sick or stress sick?" Antonio stared at him, making Lovino shift uncomfortably.

Lovino thought about saying it. It seemed so simple. _I'm pregnant. I'm having a baby. You're going to be a father._ They all seemed so simple to say. Any pick Lovino chose appeared to be so simple, but any time Lovino opened his mouth to say it, he couldn't speak. He was trembling.

"Stress, I guess. Hormones. Just the whole situation," Lovino muttered.

"Look, you told me your family is really close. I'm sure in a few days, your dad will come around. When I told my parents I was bisexual, there was a lot of crying...a lot. My dad wouldn't talk to me for like a week and when he finally did, I was in my room doing homework, angry and hurt. He sits down on my bed and tells me that he didn't understand, but that he loved me and that was all that mattered. I'm sure the same will happen, especially since your brother's so sick. Families shouldn't break up during this time."

"You don't know my dad, Toni. He's from a really strict family with very conservative views. Like my grandparents threw my parents out of Italy because my mom got pregnant with me before they were married. I…" Lovino shook his head trying to push the tears back. "I don't think he'll change his mind."

Antonio chewed his lip and ran a hand through his curly hair. He let out a soft, nervous laugh and met Lovino's eyes. Lovino's breath caught as Antonio stood up and sat next to him, running his fingers up and down the man's sides.

"Then I'll be your family," Antonio whispered and brushed his lips against Lovino's. "Me, Matt, Alfie, Francis, Emma, Gil, we'll be your family. And you have your brother still. You're not alone, okay? I know you haven't met my friends yet, but Matt knows them and he likes them."

"You...you want to be my family?" Lovino's eyes widened. Maybe this would be easier than he thought.

"Of course," Antonio smiled.

"Oh...wow.." Lovino breathed.

Antonio stood up and announced he was going to make Lovino some chicken noodle soup. "You, mi corazon, will rest. No studying or writing term papers. You need to recover. Sleep if you want to, read a book, call your brother. It doesn't matter, just rest."

Lovino nodded and watched Antonio make his way to the door. His head was screaming for him to tell Antonio. It wasn't as if the baby was going to disappear and even if Lovino had a miscarriage, he didn't want to be alone through that. He loved his little peanut inside him. Antonio's hand was on the knob.

"Toni?" Lovino said quietly.

"Yes?"

"Um, the reason that I'm so...off...the reason I'm sick is because I'm p-"

"You're stressed. I know. That's why you need sleep and you need to be pampered. No more debating."

Antonio disappeared and Lovino fell back against the bed with a sigh. He felt like such an idiot. He had the moment and lost it. Antonio wanted to be his family and he couldn't even tell him he was pregnant. The word had been right there. It was about to come out, but he had been so stupid to not finish, to let Antonio go to the kitchen to cook, to be in his world not knowing he was going to be a father in thirty some-odd weeks.

The house filled with the smell of chicken noodle soup as Lovino studied. He knew that Antonio would be upset, but he needed to study. Not studying would stress him out even more. He'd been too distracted lately between Feliciano being ill and Antonio. He felt behind. He needed to keep working hard if he was going to maintain his 4.0.

Antonio came in, interrupting him with two bowls of soup, Matthew behind him with more ginger tea. Lovino hid his textbook and rolled his eyes as his friend forced another cup of tea into his hand, as if he wasn't having to pee every few minutes as it was already. He took it graciously and he and Antonio sat in comfortable silence eating and drinking their tea.

Lovino's mind was wandering to all the possibilities. Would he have a boy or girl? Would they look like him or Antonio or both? What would be their favorite color? It was a pleasant change of pace from the initial shock and the subsequent worrying. It was exhausting though, going back and forth.

"What are you thinking about?" Antonio asked cheerfully.

"Just things. Hey-"

"Are you still stressed?" Antonio took the empty bowl from Lovino and set it on the bedside table.

"Yeah…" Lovino mumbled.

"We could...destress," Antonio giggled, nibbling Lovino's neck.

Lovino pushed him away roughly, a scowl on his face. "Stop it." His voice was more firm than he had meant of it be. Lovino instantly felt bad as Antonio recoiled.

"Lovi, it _will _make you less stressed. It's a science."

"I don't care!" Lovino jumped up. "I don't want to have sex! I'm tired. I don't feel well. I want to curl up and cry my eyes out. It's your fault I feel like this in the first place with fucking sex!" Lovino glared at Antonio through his tears. "I feel this way because of you. I _never_ felt like this until you and you just…"

Antonio's arms were around him instantly. "I'm sorry. Lovi, it's okay. We can just cuddle if that's what you want. Or I can go home. I really don't mind. It's up to you. I want you to be happy."

It _did_ sound nice. Lovino nodded and pulled Antonio to the bed. He moved his textbook, getting a cheeky comment from Antonio that he responded with sarcastically. He waited for Antonio to lay down before getting in the bed himself. He cuddled against Antonio and laid his ear against his chest, closing his eyes. The younger man was instantly calmed by the steady beating. He didn't feel nauseous anymore. He didn't feel scared. He felt so peaceful, like everything would be okay.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thank you for reading. Please leave a review.<strong>_


	10. Chapter 10

_**I hope everyone's finals are going well. You are all so smart and amazing. You'll do great. Good luck everyone! **_

_**Enjoy!**_

* * *

><p>Lovino stood outside his brother's hospital room. He knew Feli was okay. They had just spoken, but part of him was worried it was a dream and when he opened the door there would be someone else sitting there. He took a few deep breaths and walked in.<p>

Feliciano was laying on his bed watching something on TV. He looked so sick. He didn't look over to the door. He was wearing the beanie that Lovino bought him, his face was just as hairless as his head, no lashes or brows. His lips were chapped and was pale. He just looked so tired. Maybe the stress of his older brother's pregnancy could be to much.

Lovino shook his head. He needed to stop letting his mind work like this. He closed the door quietly and stood near it awkwardly, just watching Feli making sure he wasn't imagining it. He rubbed his arm and cleared his throat to get the boy's attention.

Feliciano glanced over at him, his face lighting up, pushing away all signs of illness. He sat up and turned off the television. "Lovi!" he giggled.

"Ciao…" Lovino mumbled, tugging on his sleeve.

"Aren't you going to come say hi to me? Don't just stand there!" Feli coaxed, holding his arms out for a hug.

Lovino chewed his lip for a moment before going to his brother. He had to keep himself from running. As soon as his arms were around him, he started sobbing. He couldn't believe Feli was okay. He was here. Feliciano rubbed his brother's back, trying to calm him. Eventually Lovino, was able to stop crying and sat next to his the boy in the bed, leaning against his brother's shoulder.

"So...how is the little bambino?" Feli asked, grinning widely.

"Huh...oh, um...okay, I guess. It's only been a week since I even knew they existed," Lovino rested a hand on his stomach subconsciously at the mention of his child.

"And how is the mommy doing?" Feli hugged his brother's arm and smiled at him. Lovino rolled his eyes.

"I don't know…" Lovino pulled at the rubber band on his wrist. He'd found that having something fiddle with lately had really helped his nerves. He hadn't even realized he'd had a rubber band still on his arm until the sharp sting hit his skin.

"How do you not know?" Feli asked, coughing a bit.

"I'm just...I'm so tired all the time. Apparently growing a child is a lot of work, even when you can't tell. Gosh, Feli, I'm throwing up almost as much as you. I can't really eat much at all. Everything just sounds so disgusting. I'm so scared and...and I feel so alone, you know?" Lovino brushed a tear off his face.

Feliciano stared at his brother before humming quietly, cocking his head to the side. "Well that explains why you look really crappy."

"Thanks…" Lovino glared.

"No! I'm just…" Feliciano thought for a moment. "I'm just saying you look like you haven't slept and are getting sick, but it's okay!"

"Yeah...I hear that the second trimester is pretty smooth typically. Dio, I hope that's true. How can something the size of a grape do this? I'm such a fucking wreck. Like I can't keep a stable mood. I can't! And everything with Papa...Feli, I'm so glad you're okay," Lovino hugged Feliciano again and kissed his cheek. "You're the only one who knows and you're the only person that I know is supportive."

"Lovi?" Feli asked, taking his hand. "Did you...Are you...If you're so scared, did you ever think about not keeping it?"

Lovino recoiled from Feliciano and jumped off the bed, slowly backing up as tears welled in his eyes while he shook his head. "Feli, why...why would you…? I love my baby."

"I know! I know! I do too, I just thought because of how sad and scared you are you may have thought about it. You're not yourself lately and it's scary."

"I couldn't...I never thought about that. It never even crossed my mind. I was in so much shock the first night and then Papa basically disowned me that night and I...I didn't really think about that. I was just so lost and then I woke up the next morning and I was in love with my baby even though I'm scared shitless," Lovino pulled at the band again. "Fuck, I'm being selfish. How are you?" Lovino sat back on the bed.

"You're not being selfish. I don't mind if you cry to me about stuff as long as you're not too sad. I'm okay. I'm just in here because my counts are too low and they think I may be getting a cold, so I have to be here. It's so boring. Do you remember the child life specialist? He's been bringing me things to do and we talk. I have a tutor to help me through school. Papa's decided it would be best for me not to go anymore with how easy it is to catch a cold now. It's all free! Isn't that amazing?" Feliciano smiled.

The door opened, causing Lovino's heart to be in his throat. Roma froze at the sight of Lovino. Feliciano crossed his arms and gave their father an angry look. Lovino couldn't move. He held his breath waiting for his father's warm smile or him to say hello using the familiar nickname he'd called him since before he was born. _Passerotto, per favor, call me passerotto,_ Lovino willed. Feliciano glanced at Lovino to make sure he was giving the same stern look and whined about he wasn't going by the plan.

"What's going on, Feliciano?" Roma growled.

"Why did you tell us the other was dead?" Feli asked, his voice stronger than Lovino ever remembered it being.

"I don't want you around such bad influences." Roma glared at Lovino.

"Trust me, Lovi is not the bad influence. Do you realize I'm sick, Papa? I have cancer. You want to take my brother away from me? He is having your grandchild! Do you really want him alone through all of this? Lovi doesn't know how to tell Antonio about the baby and you're not helping!" Feliciano put an arm protectively around his brother's shoulders. "And you are going to listen to him! I think you're being so childish t not talk to him."

"I have nothing to say," Roma hissed, narrowing his eyes and tilting his head back slightly.

"I do," Lovino whispered.

"I don't care."

"Papa, you _will_ listen to him, or I'm telling Emma I don't want you in my room," Feliciano warned.

"Fine." Roma leaned against the wall.

"Go on, Lovi." Feliciano smiled at him encouragingly.

"Papa, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I lied to you about Antonio. I'm sorry I had unprotected sex. I'm sorry I'm gay. I am. I'm sorry that I'm not the perfect son that you wanted. I tried and I just got so upset over Feli, I let my guard down, but Papa? Papa, I can't go back, and I'm pregnant and I'm scared. I need you, Papa," Lovino whispered the last bit.

Roma stood and beckoned for his son. Lovino stood up slowly and walked over to him, a small smile dancing on his lips. Roma led him outside. The hall was empty, but they stayed in the indent in the wall that was made for better privacy of the rooms. Roma hugged him, Lovino melting into the hug. _Finally, I have my papa._

"I want you to carry this child, endure the aches and pains that come with it. I want you to agonize through the labor of your first child. I want you to feel the pain your mother went through with you. You push that child out, screaming and crying and begging for it to be over, just like your mother. No pain medications. Your mother never had that luxury. Suffer to pay for your sins," Roma whispered in his ear.

Lovino pulled back and tearfully nodded at his father's demands. "Okay, yeah, okay, Papa. Then will everything be okay?"

Roma took the boy's face in his hands, stroking his cheeks gently with is thumbs. His brown eyes twinkled with the same expression that Lovino was so used to seeing when his father looked at him and Feliciano. Suddenly the man's eyes changed, flashed to something akin to hatred.

"After you go through all of that pain and suffering, while you are still torn, bruised, swollen and bleeding from the trauma of birth having known the pain of your mother, I want you to be holding you child while they die in your arms. Only then will it be okay. Only then, will you know the pain you're putting me through right now." Roma kissed his son's cheek before going back into Feliciano's room, leaving Lovino in shock.

Lovino tried to breathe, but no air would enter his lungs. Finally he took a few gasping breaths before he found himself collapsing against the wall as sobs wracked his body. His father wanted him to suffer beyond suffering. His father wanted him to have his child die. That was the only way everything could be okay, but it would never be okay. Lovino realized that as he ran out of the hospital to his car.

* * *

><p>Lovino kneeled in the pews, tears streaming down his face as he held the rosary and prayed. He didn't even know if the God he'd grown up knowing was there or cared for him. His father was right. He was disgusting. He deserved this pain, this anguish. He didn't know what else to do. He was so close to the edge. He'd almost killed himself last night and he couldn't slip again. The child growing inside him needed him. And so he turned to the only thing he knew to be bigger than his father. He begged for forgiveness, to not be afflicted with this illness that his father told him had. How many times had he prayed to change? How many times had he begged for the attraction and urges to leave him? What about the countless times he's sobbed over in Confession?<p>

Lovino stood up when his legs began to cramp and sat down in the pews, sobbing into his hands. He felt so alone, so abandoned. The only thing he could think of was the church he'd grown up in. That was the only way to make this okay. He could join the priesthood and make a vow of celibacy from that day forward, then he would never have to fear slipping up and sleeping with a beautiful man again.

"Lovino?"

The boy looked up and saw the priest he'd known his whole life sitting next to him. How long had been sitting there? How much had he heard? Lovino pushed the panic away. His prayers had been in Italian. There was no way the man would have known.

"I'm sorry, Father," Lovino said, quickly adjusting his clothes. The priest handed him a few tissues. Lovino took them gratefully thanking him.

"You've been praying for two hours now, crying the entire time. I have never seen you in such a state. I'm available for Confession if you wish."

Lovino shook his head, the rosary making soft clicking sounds as the beads hit each other from his trembling hands. "I-I can't," he whispered. "It's too bad. I can't be forgiven."

"My son, have you paid attention to Mass a day in the past twenty years you've been coming here? We worship a loving, forgiving lord. There is nothing you could possibly have done that would be beyond forgiveness if your heart and soul desire it."

"No," Lovino shook his head. "I am so evil inside. God's punishing me for it. Papa said so and I think he's right. It's my fault Feliciano's sick. Oh, god, it's all my fault," Lovino started to sob once more.

"What is it that you did that is so terrible?"

"I...I tried so hard, Father. I did everything I could to prevent it and it happened anyway. Why did He make me like this? I can't handle it. I'm not strong enough. I gave in and everything is over."

"Are you referring to your feelings that we've discussed?" the priest asked softly.

"Yes. I...I met this man and I knew, I knew I wanted him. I tried so hard to stay away, but he was always there and I...I gave in and we had sex...a lot of sex. I think I may love him, but I'm so scared to admit it. I found out I'm going to have a baby. How fucked up is that? I'm a man and I"m going to have a child. My father hates me. He disowned me. He told me I was sick with evil and God was punishing me and that it's my fault Feli's sick. He says that God is going to kill Feliciano because I love him so much and I deserve to be miserable. He told me that he hopes when I give birth, I can't stand the pain. He says I don't deserve medication and I don't. I don't." Lovino shook his head. "If my father's right, if I deserve nothing but misery, will my baby die in my arms? I can't stand that thought."

The priest was silent for a moment, taking it all in. Lovino took his silence for disgust and a sob escaped him. He slid out of the pew onto his knees ready to pray again. He felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Lovino, talk to me."

The boy shakily sat down and hugged himself. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Your father is wrong."

"What?" Lovino gaped at the man.

"A father is not supposed to talk to his son in such a way. Children are blessings and to decide that you want nothing to do with a child is wrong. He also misunderstands. A child is never a punishment, only a blessing. The pain of childbirth brings one closer to God. You sacrifice so that your child can have life. It's a noble and beautiful thing. Your decision for your labor is your choice. If you can't stand the pain and want the medicine, then take the blessing, my son. I've known you since you were born. I baptised you and confirmed you into this faith and I know how much you have struggled. Be happy, Lovino. You are not a bad person. You do not deserve misery. You only deserve peace and happiness. Being in my position, I've witnessed many servants of God beg to be healed and I've witnessed some be driven to suicide. I've seen them enter marriages filled with misery only to divorce. I see nothing good come of discouraging it. I've seen people accept it and live happy, beautiful lives. Be happy, Lovino."

"But it's a sin," Lovino shuddered.

"We are _all_ sinners. Who should judge you? Nobody has that right. You are a good person. Be happy."

"I...I…"

"If this man makes you happy, if you love him, go. It is the only road I've seen that ends well. You have so much good in you, Lovino, and it would be a shame to throw it away. Love is nothing to be ashamed of."

"Yes, Father. Thank you. Oh, god, thank you!" Lovino laughed.

"And Lovino?"

"Yes?" the boy stared up at the priest, a weight lifted off his shoulder. He wanted to run to Antonio and hug him and tell him how much loved him.

"I expect to be the one you choose baptize your child. I expect this man is a Catholic as well?"

"Of course, Father. Yes, yes, he is."

"Good. Peace be with you, my son."

"And with you," Lovino breathed before leaving the church.

Lovino made his way home, entering his apartment, visibly shaken. Matthew instantly noticed and questioned his friend. Lovino sat and talked with Matthew for hours telling everything, but leaving out the pregnancy. He had never cried so much in his life. It was as though the world was crashing down around him. Matthew made him dinner. They ate silently before Lovino went to his room.

The man laid in his bed thinking about everything. He needed give in. Antonio wanted a relationship. He said he would wait forever. He loved him. Lovino picked up his phone to call him. He wanted nothing more than to hear his voice. He needed to be absolutely certain he could be honest with Antonio. He needed to be closer to him.

"Bueno?" Antonio answered.

"Tonio, I had a terrible day…" Lovino whispered brushing his tears away. He proceeded to talk Antonio for the duration of the man's break. He told him how he was feeling and everything he wanted, again leaving out the parts about the pregnancy and only hinting slightly at a future.

* * *

><p>Antonio dragged himself to his bed, almost collapsing with sheer mental exhaustion. Something was wrong. It scared him. He would be feeling so euphoric and suddenly, without warning feel so drained. He couldn't let anyone see what was going on. No, he could never do that. He was the happy one, the one that always wore a smile and joked around. It was who he was. Covering it up was even more exhausting that the sudden changes. He hated the decisions he made. It was as if he were almost incapable of thinking before acting.<p>

A choked sob escaped him into the pillow as he thought of what Lovino was going through. The man couldn't imagine what it was like to lose everything you cared about overnight. He wondered how someone could disown their child over something as innocent as being gay. Antonio knew he was part of the reason that Lovino had even come out. Lovino kept saying it was his fault. He knew it was. He hated himself for playing this game with someone like Lovino. He was so innocent. Sobs wracked the man's body. Why did he choose Lovino? Why?

He had known what he was doing. When did he become this person? He would never have been the type to take advantage of someone. Hadn't it all started when he and Francis made a bet on who could hook up the most in a month. Antonio had been tired of one night stands and he knew he'd have a higher chance of winning if he'd gotten with someone in a type of relationship. Why Lovino? Because it was easy…

Antonio sighed and buried his head in his pillow, allowing his body to give way to what it wanted, to sob and sleep. That was the thing, he couldn't sleep. He didn't have the energy to cry beyond the small sob. What was wrong? It was terrifying. He'd only let Emma see a part of it, and she'd gotten freaked out. They weren't like they used to be. Things were getting worse little by little and he had no control. He thoughts got so jumbled at times. Though as much as he wanted know the what it was, another part of him, a bigger part maybe, was too afraid of what it might be.

He laid in bed for who knew how long, unable to sleep, unable to rest, unable to move or eat. He'd heard Francis come home a few hours ago. Emma had gotten home from her shift and left for a date with Matthew. There was life beyond his door. Maybe...maybe if he forced himself out, he could feel okay. He wanted so desperately to be back to where he'd been before. He missed who he used to be and that person was quickly fading.

Antonio peeled himself out of the bed and walked toward the door. It was as though he were trying to run through water with weights tied to his limbs and head. The knob seemed impossibly high. He slowly turned it and walked out, forcing a smile on his face.

Francis was sitting on the living room floor, hair hair in a messy ponytail with strands falling down into his face. He had grown to be so beautiful. He would have never guessed that his dorky, awkward, ugly duckling friend would have been so breathtaking one day. Antonio leaned against the wall and watched him write names of his kindergarten students on small name cutout turkeys.

"Do you need help?" Antonio asked, trying his best to be cheerful.

Francis looked at him with his piercing blue-violet eyes. He smiled and pushed the blonde curls from his face. "Oui! I didn't know you were home."

Antonio laughed nervously, running a hand through his hair absently. "I've been napping."

"Oh? Trying to hard to win our bet, huh?" Francis flashed him a playful glance.

"No, I don't even care about that anymore," Antonio said softly, sitting down and taking the list that Francis handed to him. "I don't want to hurt him…"

"So now you care?" Francis threw his hands in the air. "Finally! I was getting scared when Gilbert started having higher morals than you. Besides you already won. I haven't hooked up a single time."

"Oh," Antonio wrote a name and tossed the turkey with the rest.

"Toni?" Francis said, breaking the silence.

"Hm?"

"Have you...You can't just take the kid's virginity and drop him like a piece of trash. He sounds so sweet and you have smiled more since you met him. You go out places that don't involve getting drunk, dancing and random hook ups. It's good for you, I think. You haven't really been well since you and Emma…" Francis cut off. "Are you…?"

Antonio sighed. Wasn't that the topic these any time his friends noticed he was down? The fact that Emma lost their child? It had been two years, and he really couldn't have cared less about the miscarriage. He hadn't lied when he told Lovino he'd been relieved. Emma had seemed relieved too, but she'd dumped him and told him they could never be more than friends again. After six years together, it was over and surprisingly he didn't mind...at first. He'd been having a good day and nothing could bother him.

"No. Dios mio, Francis, I don't know why you keep asking me that. I don't care. I could care less. And yeah, it hurt that Emma broke up with me and I was hurt that it was over for good, but as far as the baby...I don't care."

"That's why Emma dumped you…" Francis said after a moment. "And you haven't been okay since. You've been...different. I don't know how to put it. You're like a rollercoaster. You take too many risks and you're just...you are more impulsive and I'm worried."

"I'm fine," Antonio lied. He capped the marker and hugged his knees. "Why can't games be simple? It all started out as a game. I wanted to mess with him. I wanted to sleep with him. I wanted to take his virginity and pull him out of the closet. I wanted it to be fun and when he said that he didn't want a relationship, when he was fine with casual sex, I thought it'd be great. But we do everything that boyfriends do. We don't have a label and that's the only thing. I wasn't..._we_ weren't meant to get feelings for each other. I wanted it to be a fun game, Francis."

"So it _is_ about love!" Francis smiled happily and set his face in his hands. "Tell me everything!"

Typical Francis. It really hadn't surprised Antonio that he hadn't hooked up. Francis liked sex as much as the next, but he wanted romance. He wanted to be swept off his feet. He didn't share Antonio and Gilbert's views on single life and partying until the sun came up. Francis could live that life for so long, but at the end of the day he wanted true love, romance, someone to hold when he closed his eyes. Those things just weren't that important to the other two.

"There's nothing to tell. I accomplished everything I wanted. I took it, and still do. The thing is that there are these confusing things I've been experiencing. He's cute...like really cute. Not the type of cute you use to say someone's attractive, though he is. It's more...the way he laughs and the way his eyes light up when he talks about things he loves. He's sweet and he's shy. He trusts me and I can't tell he doesn't trust many people. He's so smart and I mean, he's just...he's out of my league and this wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to start liking him. I can't even imagine breaking his heart. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't see how I can not. And his brother has cancer pretty badly and his father won't speak to him. He's so stressed out. The poor kid is so exhausted and sick. I just want to take care of him, but when I see him…"

Antonio shook his head. It was stupid. He was stupid. Everything was stupid. Of course Lovino would never like him back. Lovino had goals. He didn't need someone as worthless as Antonio weighing him down. Why would anyone like him? He was such a loser.

"Well, mon ami, it sounds like you have a little crush on this Italian boy. You know how I feel about love. Gilbert would stone me for this, but I don't care. Ask him out. Stop using him. If you care about him, if you love him, express it, but don't worry if that's not how he feels. Love can't be forced. It's fragile and should be handled with care. Treat him like you love him, and he'll come around."

"Okay…" Antonio whispered.

"Hey, Toni, don't be so glum! You'll do great. You're a sweetheart! And don't worry, things like what happened with Emma can't happen with Lovino. He's a guy. He has the wrong parts. Men don't have children."

"Yeah…" Antonio muttered and went back to writing names with his friend, his body protesting the whole while.

* * *

><p><em><strong>As if you couldn't tell, Roma is a pretty overly religious person and has raised both boys with strict views. Lovino has been more diligent than Feliciano as he just wants to make his father proud. Roma does take things out of control though and goes to extremes. The dynamic between those two won't get much better until probably one of the sequels. <strong>_

_**I'm going to start incorporating small scenes from Antonio's perspective here and there from now on to give y'all and idea what's going on with him and prevent it from being so one sided. Let me know how y'all like it. Please excuse any mistakes. This has been a long week.**_

_**I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you for reading. Please review!**_


	11. Chapter 11

Lovino slipped out from under Antonio's arm and stared at him. Dark brown curls fell into his face, his mouth upturned into a small smile. His heart skipped a beat. Even now, as Antonio slept, Lovino wanted to hold him, to be held by him. It scared him how in the course of the short time they'd been together, he'd fallen so hard.

The Italian pushed the thoughts from his head and began to get dressed. He was dreading it. It seemed as though every time he put his pants on the past two weeks, they were harder and harder to button. He pulled on his jeans, took a deep breath and sucked in his abdomen hoping to have them button, but he was met with a gap. He chewed on his lip for a moment and shook his head. He held on to the belt loops and jumped trying to pull them up higher, no luck. Last he tried laying on the ground to allow gravity to help him button up. He groaned and rubbed his face.

He knew it wasn't his baby, but bloating from the water weight. He was only eleven weeks meaning his little bun was still in his pelvis. Pretty soon the uterus would peak it's head above and not long after that, he'd start having a small bump. He glanced back at Antonio, who remained sleeping. He'd notice sooner or later. Lovino stood up and huffed going to his closet and pulling out some track pants.

"Mmm, buenas dias," Antonio murmured from the bed. He sat up and stretched as he yawned, before smiling sleepily at Lovino. "Are you going to come back in bed? It's Saturday."

"Good morning. Um...I…" Lovino walked over to the bed. "Do you think I've gained weight? Be honest. I won't be mad, I swear. Do I look it?"

"Of course not, Lovi," Antonio chuckled and pulled Lovino to him. Antonio kissed his cheek gently, tickling Lovino's face with his prickly morning shadow. "Why do you ask?"

"I can't button my jeans. I think it's water weight, but I wanted to ask."

"Sweetheart, you need to stay hydrated! What did I tell you?" Antonio joked a stern tone.

"I'm trying…" Lovino muttered rolling his eyes.

"If you're so worried about gaining weight, we can go for round two," Antonio smirked at him playfully.

"Matthew and I go running every day. It burns more calories." Lovino kissed Antonio and got up.

"Yeah, but it's not as fun," Antonio pouted.

Lovino stared at Antonio. He was starting to feel like all Antonio ever wanted from him was sex. When was the last night Lovino even was able to initiate? Antonio really controlled what they did, that was for sure. He shifted uncomfortably at the thought. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath hoping and praying he was wrong. He couldn't handle being used right now. He had to believe that Antonio meant what he said. He couldn't do this on his own.

"What's wrong?" Antonio asked, taking Lovino's hands.

"Nothing. I'm going to go with Matt. We go every day. It's really great."

"Why would you do that?" Antonio giggled, getting up and getting dressed.

"I've done it almost everyday since I was fifteen. There was just one day where I couldn't deal with things anymore. I had been slammed into a locker one too many times at school, jumped one too many times going to pick up Feli, and had my brother be threatened for the millionth time and I was just sick of it. I got home and Feli was taking a nap and I just needed out, so I decided to go for a walk, but it felt like I couldn't breathe. My steps got faster and faster until I was running and suddenly my head was clear, the stress was lifting and I got home and didn't feel like crying for the first time since I was eleven. I was happy when I got home and just felt at ease, so like I've been running ever since," Lovino smiled.

"That sounds nice. I'm going to go then. I have work in a few hours. I'll bring you food tonight, okay? Matt's closing, so I'm thinking we can have a movie night. We can have dinner, have some snacks and just pig out on sweets. Please? Oh and then cuddle on the couch until you fall asleep? You've really been falling asleep a lot lately. Are you sure you're okay?" Antonio's eyes sparkled as he looked at him.

"That sounds...great actually," Lovino smiled and hugged the man. "You better bring me chocolate and lots of it."

"I will," Antonio laughed. He pulled Lovino to him by the small of his back and held him tightly for a moment before pressing their lips together softly. His eyes examined Lovino's. "Your eyes are golden today."

"Oh…" Lovino looked to the side. Was that a problem?

"Your eyes change color. It's just breathtaking how golden they are. I love your eyes."

"Oh," Lovino bit his lip and looked down, his cheeks warming slightly.

"Lovino?" Antonio's eyes ran over Lovino's face.

"Hm?"

"Do you have anything you want to tell me? I can't shake the feeling that you want to say something."

Lovino's heart skipped a beat. He had to tell him. It was such a perfect time. He was right here, asking, willing to listen. Lovino took a deep breath and let it out. He stepped out of Antonio's grip and sat him down. Antonio stared at him with those playful green eyes, making him nervous and calm at the same time. Lovino's hand subconsciously floated to his stomach.

"So, um, I know you don't, um...I know you don't want to have kids anytime soon, but like, what if you did...have one, I mean."

"No," Antonio laughed and shook his head. "That'd be it."

"Okay, but like, don't you think you'd love them?"

"I don't know. I didn't really care with Emma. Why are you asking?" Antonio shifted, running his hand through his curls.

"Toni, I love you…a lot, and I want you to know that-"

"You love me?" Antonio interrupted, a smile spreading over his face. "Dios mio!" He jumped up and hugged Lovino tightly. "I love you too! Oh, Lovi, are you planning our future or something like a little school girl? You're so cute! I'd love to have kids with you. We could adopt some sweet little ninos! It'd be so great. I'd be Papa of course. You can be Daddy. We have to make it another ten years, though." Antonio laughed.

"Toni, I-"

"You're so sweet! Okay, mi amor, I'll see you tonight," Antonio beamed and kissed Lovino before skipping out of the room rambling on in Spanish and giggling.

Lovino sighed and rubbed his face. He plopped on the bed, rubbing his stomach. "Bambino, I'm sorry I haven't told him yet. I'm trying." He sighed and stared at the ceiling. "It's not hard, right? Why should it be hard? 'Toni, I"m pregnant.' See. I said it. I'm pregnant. I'm going to have a baby."

A small knock at the door caused Lovino's stomach to drop. He sat up suddenly to find Matt standing in the open doorway, looking at the ground. Had he heard? The door hadn't opened. Antonio must of left it open. Shit…

"Mattie, um…"

"Hey, are you ready to go running?" Matthew asked with a smile as he straightening his glasses.

"Yeah. Matt, did you...um...did you hear me?"

"Hm?" Matthew gave him a confused look. "Hear what?"

"Nothing," Lovino smiled. Grazie a Dio! "Let's go."

Lovino ran silently. He and Matthew never talked on their runs. Matthew would put in his earbuds and blast music, while Lovino liked to tune everything out besides the light tap as his shoes hit the pavement and his heavy breathing. Lovino stopped in front of the apartment building and stretched as he waited for Matthew to catch up.

"That was a really great run," Lovino smiled happily as the made their way upstairs. "I'm feeling extra energized. It's strange."

"I'm so happy to hear that. I'm going to shower and then I have to work. I'm sorry. I'd really like to talk with you about how things are going, but I can't be late," Matthew frowned apologetically.

"It's okay," Lovino smiled as he pulled some cherry tomatoes out of the refrigerator and started popping them in his mouth.

"Drink water, Lovi," Matthew reminded his friend as he walked out of the room.

Lovino sighed to himself as he drank. His mind was clear now. He could get some early studying over with before dead week officially began so that everything was squared away for when Antonio came over tonight.

He hummed to himself as he made his way to his room. He pulled his books out to have them ready once he finished his shower. He spotted a soccer ball under his bed and smiled realizing that was where Feli has lost it. He picked it up and thought for a moment. I wonder what it'll look like when my belly gets big… Lovino walked to the bathroom and gently put it under his shirt and looked at himself in the mirror before turning to the side. He smiled as he decided he was definitely going to be a cute pregnant person. He took the ball out and rolled it out of the bathroom before taking his shower.

* * *

><p>Lovino jumped when he phone rang loudly and suddenly next to him, sending his books bouncing slightly on the bed. He rolled his eyes and answered to be greeting by his brother.<p>

"Lovino, when are you going to come visit me? I'm so bored. I hate being in the hospital and they're making me do chemo again. I don't like being alone here. Papa's at work, so he can't be here. You can visit right?"

"Of course," Lovino said softly.

He bit his lip. He was taking too many breaks from studying since all of this happened and his life changed forever. It was really getting to him, but then again, he should be getting used to it. Once the baby came, he'd have a lot distracting him from school. He hoped so badly he could finish, but the more time passed the less sure he was that he'd ever be able to finish school. He had to tell Antonio soon. He was going to need help and support if he really intended to see this through.

"Yay! Right now?"

"Yeah."

Lovino finished his conversation and went to visit his brother. Feliciano was sicker today than he had been in the past. He couldn't sit up to greet his brother and he had a nasal cannula giving him oxygen as chemo fed into his port. He smiled as Lovino walked over and greeted him.

"How are you doing?" Lovino asked, sitting down at the foot of the bed.

"Not well today. It's a bad day. I couldn't breathe this morning, so they put me on oxygen. Apparently I'm really anemic, but they still wanted to go ahead with the chemo," Feli said slowly having to take breaths every few words. "So apparently being anemic can make me feel like I can't breathe even though I'm breathing okay. My body just doesn't enough oxygen because the hemoglobin is low. Isn't that strange? I thought it was so weird."

"It's not so weird," Lovino smiled. "So do you feel like you're breathing okay now?"

"Si! It's much better. I am really weak though. I don't want to talk about it. I want to talk about the little baby! Can I feel?"

"You're not going to feel anything besides my skin and muscle. The little bun isn't going to pop up for another week or so and I don't know how long after that we'll be able to see it. You won't be feeling anything for a good while," Lovino said pulling at his sleeves.

"Aw, well let me feel anyway!"

Lovino sighed and rolled his eyes. He stood up and lifted his shirt before taking his brother's hand and placing it on his lower abdomen. Feliciano smiled to himself, glancing to Lovino's eyes every now and then. Lovino stood there impatiently, waiting for his younger brother to get his fill of touching.

"I didn't feel anything?" Feli said pulling his hand away, a disappointed look on his face. "I really wanted some happy news. I'm so tired of everything being negative."

"Maybe there is...Do I look like I'm gaining weight to you? I can't wear jeans anymore because they don't button."

"Let me see!" Feli chirped, his eyes sparkling with excitement.

Lovino held up his shirt once again and stood sideways. His brother studied him for a moment. Lovino turned every direction Feli wanted him to turn and even pushed his track pants lower on his hips when Feliciano said he thought they were getting in the way. Feli narrowed his eyes and shook his head, defeated.

"I think maybe a little, but I can't be sure. Aw! You're a mommy! I can't get over that." Feli's voice was so weak, Lovino could barely detect his excitement, but he knew it was there.

Lovino put his shirt down and sat on the bed, hugging his knees trying to think of something to talk to him about that would cheer his little brother up, but not scare himself. He knew Feli wanted to talk about the baby. Lovino loved that his brother was so utterly supportive, but part of him was worried. He was okay now, but what about when he started to show? He had looked cute with the soccer ball, but...but he could take it out. People weren't going to see him.

"So do you like any names so far?" Feli asked before coughing, weakly.

"Not yet. I don't even know if it's a boy or girl. I don't want to think about that right now. I think it'll be better to wait, you know?"

"If you have a girl, can you name her Aria or Sophia? Those names are so pretty."

"Why don't you save those names? You may be a father one day and I don't want to take your names."

Feliciano's face fell for a moment before his eyes shifted and he licked his lips. Lovino couldn't read Feli's reaction, but something about it concerned him. "Yeah…" Feli smiled. "Well are you going have a theme?"

"I'd like their first name to be Italian, if not the whole name. I know Antonio is Spanish, but I just...I don't want that, you know? I mean, he doesn't even want it."

"You told him?"

"No...I've tried, several times…" Lovino sighed and looked at Feli. "But he's made it clear he doesn't want kids for another ten years. I mean today, I had sat him down and, and he said he'd love to have kids with me, but we had to wait ten years. I don't have ten years, Feli! I only have twenty-nine weeks max!" Lovino dropped his face into his hands. "I don't know what to do. I'm even having trouble focusing on school and I've never had that issue. I don't know if can finish and...and that is really fucking scary."

"You need to tell him, Lovino," Feli said taking his brother's hand. "You can even bring him in here and tell him. Nobody's going to make a scene in front of a cute kid with cancer."

"Shut up," Lovino laughed.

"I'm serious. I'll fake something, just...you have to tell him."

"I will...I will."

"Lovi?" Feli said softly, trying to push himself up.

"Hm?" Lovino helped his brother sit up a bit.

"Grazie. Have you seen the doctor yet? Just to make sure the baby is okay. Papa's scaring me and I know he's just really angry, but I've been having bad dreams."

"No," Lovino whispered, his mouth suddenly dry. "I heard their heartbeat though, when they told me. They have a really strong, incredibly fast heartbeat. I'm really scared too, Feli. Like what if I do something wrong? They're completely helpless and dependent on me. Anything I eat or drink or breathe in or am around can hurt them and I can't live with myself if something happened that was my fault. I have my first appointment in two weeks, right before Christmas, the day after my last day of final. I don't know what to expect or what they're going to do. It's just really scary."

Lovino shivered slightly and hugged his jacket around himself as he sat there. Neither brother spoke for a moment. All they could hear was the sound of the machines monitoring Feliciano as the chemo trailed into his body. Feli coughed occasionally. Lovino would sniffle and dry his tears.

"Everything is going to be okay, Lovi," Feli said after a minute. He took his brother's hand and smiled. "They'll be healthy and perfect and they'll love you because you are their mommy and I think you'd be the best. I don't really remember Mama very well, but I remember her being warm and comforting and I remember she always smelled nice. After she died, when I was sad or scared, I'd run to you, remember? Because Papa was at work. You were like that, so I think you'll be good. You're really nice and you care a lot. You're really sensitive and you cover that up because people were mean to you for so long, but I think when you have your baby you'll let it out like how you do with us when you're not upset or mad at me." Feli giggled. "You're going to be so scary too! Oh, that baby will be so well behaved because mad mommy is scary."

"Yeah…" Lovino laughed too and rested his chin on his arms. "I'm having the baby naturally, Feli. I've already decided."

"Like...out your…" Feli's eyes widened.

"It's the only way," Lovino whispered, his father's words echoing in his head. "I don't want medicine either."

"That would hurt so badly! You don't like pain, Lovi!"

"Neither do you, but you have to do this, right? I have to do it this way. It's the best way." Lovino tried to calm his shaking.

"But they could give you medicine to numb you and then take it out of your tummy. You don't have to go through that!"

"Feli, I do! I want to. If I do it like that…" Lovino's voice caught.

"If you do it like that, you'll be in so much pain. How are you going to enjoy having them?" Feli's eyes glistened with tears.

"Feli, it's not your business and it's not your choice. Thanks for the concern, but I don't need it. I've made the decision. It's my body, Feliciano. It's my baby."

"Okay...sorry. That just sounds so scary. Don't be mad at me!"

"I'm not mad at you," Lovino muttered, wishing he could wipe his brother's tears, but he knew that there was a chance to get the medication transferred to him and it would harm the baby. Instead he handed him a box of tissues. "I'm sorry. I'm not mad."

"Good!" Feli sniffed. "Do you want a boy or a girl?"

Lovino thought about it for a moment. He'd never considered that. A girl would be nice, but what did he know about taking care of a little girl? A boy would be easier, wouldn't it? He was a man after all and he'd taken care of Feliciano for much of his life. He couldn't decide. Either would be a blessing in his eyes.

"I'm not picky. I just want them to be happy and healthy. I would love a girl or a boy. It doesn't matter. I just want to hold them and take care of them. I want them to love me. That's really all I want."

"Aw, Lovi!" Feli smiled and held his hands to his face. "See! You're such a sweet person!"

Feliciano and Lovino talked for a bit and played some games before Lovino decided he'd better get going in order to be back by the time for Antonio to be at the apartment. He wanted to look nice and wanted everything to be perfect. He tidied the apartment before changing into a nice hoodie and making sure his hair was fixed. He checked one last time as Antonio knocked on the door.

Lovino opened it and was greeted by bags being shoved at him. He took them and set them on the table. Antonio put his next to the ones Lovino had put down and smiled as he started unpacking things talking a million miles a minute. Lovino missed almost half of what was said. He blinked and just looked down at the grocery bags filled with snacks. His stomach sank when Antonio put a bottle of sherry on the table, smiling at him with those sparkling, playful, emerald eyes.

"I didn't get a word of that. Hi, by the way," Lovino crossed his arm and smirked.

"Oh Lovi, you should pay more attention to me! I was telling you all about my day and it was just such a great day and I was thinking so much about you and how we were going to have such a nice night and how much I love you even when that really wasn't supposed to happen and this wasn't supposed to be what it's turned into, but I'm so happy that it did!" Antonio spoke so quickly his words ran together.

He picked up Lovino and twirled him around, placing him down with a big kiss. Lovino laughed and pushed him away. "You're so hyper…" Lovino observed, rubbing at his stomach, hoping that the sudden movement and how tightly Antonio had held his stomach hadn't hurt their child.

"Well it's a good day. I don't have many good days this good, you know? Like I have these days that are okay and then I have days that are really bad, but days like today are my favorite!" his speed was still too fast for Lovino.

"Okay...That's good, I suppose. Um, can you not talk so fast?"

"Oh, am I talking fast? I didn't realize," Antonio paused and bit his lips before taking out two wine glasses and opened the bottle.

Lovino stared at the bottle frozen. The last time he drank...thing didn't end well. He started shaking and held the back of his chair. Even the idea of alcohol right now was making his head spin and his stomach twist. He heard the liquid being poured and Antonio's arm snaked around his waist.

"'If penicillin can cure the ill, then Spanish sherry can bring the dead back to life,' Sir Alexander Flemming." Antonio offered the cup to Lovino. "It's very good," he giggled. "And it goes well with our dinner."

"I don't drink," Lovino said holding up his hand and shaking his head.

"Oh come on, Lovi! You drank before."

"No...no, I don't drink," Lovino pulled away from him and took a few steps backward. "I...that was stupid and I should have never done it and I don't want to drink ever again."

"Lovino, seriously? Just try it! It's so good. I promised you'll love it!" Antonio held the glass out again.

"I-I said no," Lovino said. Alcohol now filled him with anxiety since he'd found out he was pregnant. It was, afterall, the reason everything around him was burning.

"Just a taste? It was expensive and I don't mind drinking alone, but please taste it," Antonio plead. "I just want you experience things."

"I don't like alcohol. I don't like drinking. I just...I don't like it."

"A sip isn't going to hurt you…" Antonio rolled his eyes.

"I know, but I don't want to. I'm only twenty. It's illegal. I can't break laws."

"We're going to be inside and it'll be okay if you just have a taste. You don't have to drink a glass or anything. I just want you to taste it," Antonio smiled.

"Fucking fine…" Lovino's heart raced and he slowly brought the glass to his lips. He was so scared to hurt his child. He let the liquid touch his lips before licking them and making a face despite the taste. "It's disgusting."

"You seriously don't like it?" Antonio pouted.

"No, not at all. It's so disgusting. You Spanish are seriously fucked in the head."

"Oh…" Antonio looked down before taking Lovino's alcohol and downing it before setting it down. "Thank you for trying it."

"Well you wouldn't shut up about it…"

The two sat down to a lovely dinner. Antonio continued talking about things so fast it was hard to follow. Lovino smiled into his food. It reminded him of Feliciano in a way. Feli talked about stupid things all the time as well. It was so nice to have someone so cheerful rambling on about things that didn't matter or make sense.

They moved to the living room where Antonio put on a movie Lovino had never heard of. He sighed to himself when it was in Spanish. Despite the closeness of the two languages, Lovino found himself lost in translation. He felt his body begin to fatigue from the energy it took to grow a child. He smiled to himself and laid down, resting his head in Antonio's lap. The Spaniard ran his hair through Lovino's hair until the boy fell into a deep sleep.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thank you for reading! Please review.<strong>_


End file.
